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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Good Day

Wow. Today has been the first truly Fantastic day in a Looong while.

There is no specific KaPow event, more like a small but powerful affirmation that regardless of however I've doubted myself, I've kept stepping in the right direction.

I feel humbly blessed for my two managers Larry and Kevin, without which I don't think I could have survived this hellhole I've been in for what seems an eternity. Their faith, belief and persistent positive attitude in keeping up my spirits in the professional realm regardless of the seemingly impossible obstacles is an unprecedented gift. It's surreal to look back and reflect: only two years ago I would have thought finding them would happen to me only if a cow flew over the moon.

I feel blessed and grateful for my own self worth and self dignity that regardless of all the pitfalls and crushes, still somehow remains in tact. I am thankful for every gift and every talent, every opportunity, every success and every failure. For life shows me every day that what one day is a failure becomes the beginning of a huge opportunity, and makes you appreciate the success all the more deeply.

I mean I am sure in a few days or even tomorrow daily life will commence and all this will be a bit too fluffy-headed and lovey-dovey, but it really is true at core. There are people literally DYING right this second. And here I am, full use of legs and arms and body and mind and spirit and heart. It doesn't matter how long I have on this earth or what forces go for me or against me. That I am alive in this very instant is such a tremendous Blessing.

I also feel blessed in many other areas of my life. Today I truly took time to reflect and be grateful for what I Have in my life, not what I am missing. It may not be perfect, it certainly isn't the fairy tale it started out being, but it's my life, my, life, what an enormous power it is to re-affirm the stark reality of having the miracle of Life.

My family. I am blessed with not one, but Four. My extended family in Russia, and man have we underwent a tremendous few losses this past year. First my Totya Ala was diagnosed with breast cancer and braved thru a difficult and painful surgery. Minus a breast and she's still if not more so as womanly as she ever was. The females in my family are Tough, this is certain. Then, the strong warrior she is had to endure the sudden death of my favourite Uncle Eura-her husband of 30+ years of a lung complication. On top of that, my beloved Babushka, my mother's grandmother who raised her, and Totya Ala's Mother-in-Law was in and out of consciousness for several months and finally passed away last November. What was absolutely amazing and touched me deeply that during all of this was that even though all of us are spread across the globe we all pulled together and wove a mattress of moral support for our dear Totya Ala. Though we rarely get the chance to talk to one another, We were a family-and as modern and futuristic of a family as there is! Totya Ala went in a matter of months from being a healthy lady to a breast cancer survivor, widow, and close to orphan-Babushka was also a deep spirit of strength for her. Totya Ala nursed her in her final days, which obviously was horrific on the human spirit-to watch your beloved dying in front of you unable to be consciously aware. Everyone in Russia practically never let her be alone in that apartment, visitors every day with food and care and the phone ringing nonstop. It lifted my heart with awe that I come from a bloodline of such amazing people. I won't elaborate on the heartbreaking effect this had on me-Babushka raised me from age 0-7 and we remained close, it's really hard to talk about it which is why it's taken me a while to be open about it. My Babushka was an incredible woman, she survived two wars, watched her entire family get shot by the Nazis when they were trying to take over the Caucasus, she hid my mother's biological father in the storage shed-because he had dark facial features and looked like a Jew. There is a poem I dedicated in my book to her which sadly she never got to see in print. But I did read it to her in Russian the summer of 2007-which again was a major brilliant move on my mother's part to insist that we all go and visit. That was the last time I saw my Babushka, it was good that we all got our chances to say goodbye. I feel sorry that my father never got to, she was especially close to him too. Somehow though, I feel she is watching over us every time the clouds get a little pink-because she always said that when the clouds turn a little pink, it's a guarantee it'll be windy the next day-she's consistently right about things like that. My Uncle Eura, he was quite the character. A curmudgeneous, sarcastic, interesting old "fart" of a fellow as he referred to himself, and my favourite uncle. He's not the type to take you fishing. He's the type that convinced my younger uncle Maxima to force feed me my first shot of alcohol when I was 11. Thanks to him, I was so shocked by the event I detested the taste so much, discovered my very low tolerance for alcohol and I never turned into an alcoholic. My Uncle Eura was a big ole' womanizer in his day. Over-excessive hedonism in all areas: women, alcohol, food. But his heart was always in the right place. And it's that type of Hemingway type attitude that I always loved about him and favoured him above all my other older uncles. He was Grumpy from the Seven Dwarfs, and I'm proud to speak of him and to have known him. How my Totya Ala survived all of this I don't have the heart to even imagine. It's partially the Pyrkova curse that runs in the women in my family, and partially the Strength we have within us. She Survived. She's a Fighter.

My family in Bangladesh-being closer now with my stepmother-a truly unexpected gift and blessing, has given me an in depth understanding of my roots than I ever knew. All of the talents within my family, all the many histories and various life stories . Each one with it's own merit, humour, tragedy, failure, joy and success. And I come from the bloodline of all these combined brilliants from such different parts of the world. It's humbling. *I will write more on my Bangladeshi family later...

My father who has been my constant rock's side and my new wonderful spiritual mentor of a stepmother, a new teenage sister who is Extremely troublesome-but this is an opportunity to make sure the same shit that happened to me won't happen to her. The overly Oedipidal relationship I had with my father has entirely shifted gears and we finally are growing into the type of functional father-daughter relationship that we should have had years ago. He's still my rock, but we're no longer constant buddy-buddy consultants in each other's lives as if we're life partners. I am finally free to be Daughter, and he is free to be Father. Thanks to my stepmother for knocking sense into us both. Though I am far away from her, she never ceases to be in my heart. I have my mother, who, for the First time in my life we are slowly getting to a middle ground in which we can be there for each other as who we are, maybe even one day be best friends. She is such a Heart to me, such a Blood, such an incredible woman that I feel so proud to call my mother. We have our battles yes, and we've slung the worst at each other: but she's IN me. I didn't think That would be possible even a year ago. I especially didn't think it would be possible under the turn of events that my life has went under. But if anything, all the dynamic trauma has shown me just how deeply my family loves me and stands by me. No matter what. They may not fully understand me, or accept my life choices and decisions, but their love has never faltered and I now see after the years of torturous adolescence that they really did always want the best for me. My beautiful wonderful little 4 year old brother who is so full of energy and magic and every time I see him it just brings me to this light and happy place. Cutest thing he asked me once cuz he gets so confused as to where I am-every time I visit I'm coming from some different location so he asks me once when I'm giving him a bath, "Lika! ? " with a bemused expression, "where do you live?" laughing, "well where do you Think I live Johnika?" , about to say Lllll for LA, he changes his mind and points to the army of Martian toys Mama gave him and says, "I think you come from where they come from," very seriously. I, laughing, "from where? Mars"? "yeaaaa!!!!!" and he laughs so hard and so beautifully and pulls me into the bath hugging me. See! Kids, you think they might not "get it". But they DO!!!! Even my stepfather who I still haven't really mended our differences with, I have learned bears no ill will towards me and does his best to care in the best way he knows how. and another thing it all has taught me is distance really is irrelevant with love. Far away and near, my family I have discovered is there for me infinitely-how Lucky I am. When people truly love you, they find a way to be there for you regardless of whatever is in the way. There is nothing in the way, because they make you feel loved.

Which brings me to another huge pillar in my life: the incredible people I've met, know, developed bonds with, and the friendships we've shared and grown. I feel honored that some of the great people I know call me their friends. Friendship doesn't even begin to describe it. The harmonious connection between two spirits that understand each other, and just how Amazing it is that I have so many Different types of understandings on different levels with so many different types of people. Some are friends from afar. Others I see on a daily basis. Others I haven't seen in years. Some I haven't even ever met in real life but thru their words I feel heart to heart connectivity. Each gives me a strength, an uplifting and a surge of power whenever I am at my downest, dirtiest, darkest. These amazing individuals who shine in their own unique ways take the time to respond to a distressed email at 3 in the morning or a phone call in the middle of their business meetings. How when I was broke and starving in LA Alex drove all the way across town and brought me a gigantic box of food even left it outside my door with no thought of grattitude knowing that I was in my hermitty state, how Rory has had my back on damn near every occasion I've exploded in self doubt and has stayed up nights and days just talking me thru hard times even though he had a class to get to or a shift he was late for which he wouldn't even tell me until after, how Gian ignites my passion and makes me feel like I'm in highschool and gives me that relief of a the simple attraction of two hot blooded people to each other, how Ozzy isn't afraid to kick my ass into gear and the motivated individual he is for propelling towards The City of Ataraxia, how Mr.D always has some divine message to offer in a wonderfully sarcastic way, how ForbiddenBuddha a.k.a Dan though we've never met I think how lovely it would be to share a waltz and talk of all the times we've gone thru, the sheer incredible physical Beauty of Nina and how she's pretty much the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen up close not to mention her inner spirit, the brilliance of Each of them and all the other intellectual confidants I know -when I soak in their thoughts it's like a rainstorm of genius. It just blows my mind how much value and worth there is in this beautiful thing of two people being there for each other. I would not say that I have Many friends. The few who are in my close circle are-very few. And those are the ones I have known longest, and known thru all spheres-reality and distance and etc. But the bonds I have with many others, even if we don't know each other in Every sphere, I cherish each as incredibly individual and unique. I am So Thankful.

well I'm incredibly sleepy and tired in a magnanimously wonderful way.

I have a lot more to write, which I will tomorrow or sometime later, but I felt the tremendous urge to share this depth of grattitude with the universe. I am SOOO Lucky, in SO many ways.

Whoever is reading this, if I know you, if I don't know you, if we've met, if we haven't, I THANK YOU. I hope you take the time to reflect upon your life and the countless blessings you have within and around you. Even the shittiest most horrible most awful disgusting mess you find yourself in, there IS ALWAYS plenty to be thankful for.

I Am Lucky.

And if you examine your own life, bit by bit, you'll see that you are too.

Love to you, Love everywhere....Good Night!

1 comment:

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