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Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Free Will vs. Destiny

There is a magical luminescence on the night
I glitter in it like a thousand watt light
dancing upon crimson cranberries
with all the wood nymphs
glow of the volcanic mist
I am the nightingale, I am the rose,
I float as rain but split like ice

the pink cherry blossoms whisper to me
yet as I walk this path I cannot decipher whether their voices are my free will
or pre-determined destiny

I am the phoenix in search of redemption
dead a million times but still breathing

a hundred years hence
tales will still proclaim

the best of the best
is too, the worst of all beasts

my lips are red
I am the earth
my lips are blue
I am a ghost

a dainty princess once proclaimed
the curse of every dreamer's fate

"if you can't handle me at my worst,
you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

so I shall keep illuminated by the dark
until the world can see the day in my night

24 hours isn't enough time for all the balls I'm juggling. up and down round and round I orchestrate this symphony of things.....

I propose all earth days should be henceforth 72 hours. it would be so much more efficient to have the span of 3 days in one day, 3 cycles of sunrise and sunset, enough to tie strings that are too long to tie up in one 24 hour earth day. plus if you ever take time off...for say a'd really be taking off a month.

bright neon green, pink, blue, and gold
the scarves rise up from down below

the myths curdle until boiling point,
recycled til' they are understood

pixies in all black
remove their masks
I keep mine on
to protect my innocence

and as the water splashes
and as the angel dances
the stars in the night sparkle
and all the madmen pause to think

as my own heart begs me to surrender
as my own mind screams for transcendence
every fibre of my being
cannot stop
the fall of me

I've been pondering lately how much of life is free will completely due to direct action which you control "create your own world" "law of attraction" and so forth...and how much of it is destiny completely out of your control "destino" "fate" "predetermination".

There isn't a straightforward answer to this question but it continues to drive me nuts. Every aspect of my life is a giant question mark. In this world of constant action, where every move you make is a direct strategic power-play, there's no room for the fortune-teller "it'll sort itself out" type of thinking. As a go-getter who's used to having a vision of what I want and then battling out for it...some instances in life really knock me out and cause me to wonder just Which parts of life do I play the controlling commander about (Commander L as Ozzy calls me lol), and which parts do I just...let it go? At what point do you stop fighting? How do you know when you're wasting your efforts trying to ram a trapezoid peg into a round hole, and when you're right on with your stubborn attitudes because the circle will eventually break down and mold to the trapezoid? In business practices, taking the "it'll all work itself out" approach is the Eastern, Asian, way of going about things. This attitude just doesn't work in America, where that type of thinking is viewed as Weak and Ill-prepared. In the European environment, you can enjoy an afternoon siesta and glass of wine alongside every corporate meeting; but you still have to make a firm stance on your mission objective. Navigating thru the various spheres of life, from business to family , the creative to the functional, strategy to the deeply personal...I wish there was a giant label stamped on everything marked either "Free Will" or "Destiny". So that the decisions and pathways I can feel Right to leave to Fate I won't waste my energy on, and the battles that I Must fight I can focus all of my strength in. I wish it was always as simple as "focus on what you can control", because ultimately in essence, I truly believe you are capable of controlling EVERYTHING. From the brand of socks you wear to the historical direction of your life to who is going to call you next on the phone. I really see everything as a giant play field of energy that the players most attuned to "The Force" get the best of. There aren't any boundaries in my head of "can't control this". Telepathy, supernatural forces, psychic abilities, are all on the same level to me as picking out which cup of coffee I want. They're all strings which can be plucked, you just have to figure out which energy and in what wavelength you have to morph yourself into. If there's an area I can't figure out how to control, like someone dying for example, I don't consider it a sign that there is a "god" and I'm just a teensy weensy little "human". I just look at it as , ok, so I don't know how to figure it out YET, and maybe nobody in my generation Will, but that doesn't mean it's Impossible. In this light, I'm a total control freak because I'm obsessive about every little thing being exactly as I envision it to be. That compulsion usually tires me out too, because it's exhausting "playing god" all the time. But how can I not, when I see the direct results of Everything that I plan? How can I not believe my own theories when I see the proof of their existence? Whatever I envision and have a specific plan for, starts happening. and when I envision nothing and plan nothing, nothing usually happens. But some things refuse to budge, no matter what I do. It is these things that at some points, prove to just be challenges that were the hardest and tested me in the most brutal ways. But then there are others that just refuse to budge period no matter how much I beat my head about them. Considering that every aspect of my life is a total unknown and a daily battle, it's difficult to distinguish just what about my life is total free will...or destiny. When do I let the reins go and let the horse, steer Me? If it's the Right time, I'll gallop into some unfathomable magical place. But if it's the Wrong time, I could wind up dead after the creature jumps over a cliff. Religion would say that it ultimately comes down to Faith. Science would say The law of Occum's Razor is to just trust the most logical explanation for anything. Mysticism would say trust your Heart. But it's all the same cocktail really. Yes, I have an internal compass, a raw instinct. But what if my compass breaks without my knowledge? What if it's Been broken? Then what? The hardest thing is to truly trust myself, even in full confidence of my abilities. Because the one that wins and the one that fails is always me-there's no different Version of me that is present when I win or a different version present when I fail. It is Always, I, the same life force. Some wins have been totally calculated strategies that paid off, other calculations total failures. And some wins have seemed to happen by total accident, as have some disastrous failures...
Sometimes when I look back in hindsight it is a beautiful pattern, and other times it is just a string of random events pieced together. Is my life the universe's joke? Is everything chaos? Have I had power over anything, and do I, or am I totally powerless and a pawn in this elaborate chess game?

"Curse of Genius", 2007

Anyhoo the release of my first book has landed me a deal with another publisher for my second book. Which at present I've decided is going to be a collection of my theoretical/analytical/philosophical essays on a range of topics. With this "solidification" of "Liliana, the Author" the pressure is on for me to choose One thing, One area of my talents. For people who aren't natural chameleons, I get the misunderstanding. But asking me to choose Just acting or writing or art or music or any other of my mediums of creation and have it be my main "identity" is like someone asking you to choose your leg over your foot or your eyes. It's all me, and they're all tentacles of my octopus, each equally important and imcomparable. "But surely you Must have One that you like more than all the others". No. I don't. Do You like your foot better than your nose? It's my particular challenge/gift and burden in life and therefore it's my mission to continue to be whatever I am, regardless of whether it's understood or not. I was made the way I am for a purpose and I have to keep staying true to that purpose no matter what. Is that my free will or my fate? Who knows. "I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is Revealed to him."-The Last Samurai.
and almost as a validation of my beliefs...

J.D Salinger has been dead for some time now. but I think his spirit is circling around my head. ha ha laugh away but I tell you, the ghost of Salinger is nestled on in my cerebellum and has been there for some time now. Sean Connery's Scottish voice saying, "but you're Black" in Finding Forrestor is what I reckon J.D was like. It just sucks, I would've really liked to chit chat with him about it all. I talk to him now but not too often because that just encourages the schizophrenia, which I'm told I'm not to do. I really hope he didn't leave the rights to Catcher in the Rye to his wife and kid, I mean if Hollywood makes a movie out of it they'll probably cast Jake Gyllenhaal as Holden and Matthew Maconohuayayeyaww (you know you can't spell it either) as Stradlater. If they do that, I swear, I'm gonna puke. Just like I said I'm movin' out of America if Bush wins the presidency and I did, I swear I'll leave the whole Hollywood kablooey for good if they do that. There have been a lot of idiots babbling about it since his death, especially about how Salinger should have been more "open" with his "art" and not become a recluse; to have been more "responsible" and "humanitarian" about his contributions. Yea it's idiots like that who made Salinger go into seclusion in the first place. (and I see my fate approaching the same eventuality.)

The thing is...and this goes back to the fate vs. free will thingio, how will I ever know if I really am a Da Vinci, or if I'm just another spec in the biosphere. Even if I were to get the fame, there's still no certainty of my ultimate destiny. Will Madonna still be Madonna in 300 years? If I keep walking on my path, is it truly my path, or just an illusion? How do you know what you're meant for? All I've ever done is followed my inner truth....but has that truth been destiny or just sure-footedness? I've always known what I was, but will the world ever? Does it matter? Is there some undiscovered supreme genius of the world that lived in the 12th century that is still unknown? What matters is that Van Gogh painted...who cares if his paintings sold or not, but that's also easy to say in hindsight-Seeing that Eventually his talent Was, known. But what about all the thousands of undiscovered Van Gogh's? Or was there really only ever ONE? It's a boggleberry, I tell ya.

You know what really sickens me lately? Golddiggers. Women who have no other purpose in life other than marrying a millionaire. Why do they bother me? Well besides making a mockery of the modern woman and the concept of independence, they basically lack magic within themselves. In the "free will" thinking, I can understand the relentless pursuit of money. But in the "destiny" thinking, how can you destroy the element of "not knowing" in your life when it's can be so beautiful? Plus the only true freedom is from walking your own path in life, standing on your own feet. Being a leech and sucking the blood of someone else will let you survive, sure, but you'll never ever be truly Free. It's better to be homeless, broke, but Free than rich, comfortable and your soul dead. I ask repeatedly of you worthless wretches, why can't you have the strength and fortitude to make your Own millions if that's what you seek? Why do you need some man to provide for you? It's so pathetic. Yes, sometimes that Kanye West song... "my friend showed me pictures of his kids...and all I could show him was pictures of my cribs"...stings. and my ghastly "biological clock" ticks away. but you know what? Fuck it. I aint' marrying anyone just for the sake of marrying someone. yea, sure, there's plenty to choose from but....what for? One thing is having someone around that keeps your senses stimulated to make full use of my ripening youth since I'm "young" and all...but it's something else entirely to devote yourself to one person period. if it aint' 100% magical Romeo and Juliet I love you like crazy and you love me back like crazy love, when it comes to Forever, I've no need for anything less. There are some who think I will only be able to say this "self-righteous bullshit" while I'm still "marketable" with my "youth and beauty", and they tell me just wait until I'm 30...because after 30 no man will want me and I'll be a dried up hag. Even though I have a boyfriend I've been encouraged to go on that degrading "Millionaire Matchmaker" show while I'm still "hot property", since men are ageists. Well you know what, you cynical bitches who've settled for less? I'd rather be a 40 year old single "dried up hag" that nobody wants with my dignity in tact than a married one who compromised. "I make my own damn money and I'm feelin' aint gotta feel me homie, I'm feelin' myself".

If people, sadly in particular, women, feel that the best reason to marry someone is for financial security, and family security, I'll do my best to make sure that type of logic doesn't ever have to apply to me. Children included. I don't need a husband to reproduce and create a genetic masterpiece. Better to have carefully selected, strategized sperm artificially inseminated inside me than birthing the child of an average and unlegendary union. It's better to be a single parent and raise a child who sees the strength of an individual and carries on those fighting values throughout their life than seeing two people who are not right for each other which will only cause a child to feel cynicism about love. NO way!! I Know with full certainty that if I ever have a child-which I have some inner psychic sense telling me will be a son-he is gonna be a phenomenon. If not for my sake then for his, I'll be Sarah Conner and raise him to be a warrior instead of being part of some second-rate man/wife caveman scenario. Only pure, uncorrupted, unfailing, all-encompassing love is worth committing yourself to forever. And if that ain't what I'm feeling or what my love is's half-assed. Tainted. There's no beauty in anything half-assed. It's gotta be Full Throttle and Extremism all the way. But is my obsession with the fantasy of perfection my downfall? Is this a free will vs. fate thing? Because I refuse to accept anything less that what I want...does my fate therefore turn into Nothing, being what I want??? Do I keep ignoring what's right in front of me because I'm always holding out for something better? I pull this shit all the time! An opportunity will be right in front of me but I PASS on it because I think, "there'll be something better, something more in tune to my vision". And a lot of times...nothing "better" shows up. Why can't there be a label on something that's REAL for me to see and a BULLSHIT label on what's imaginary?

Then again it's so easy to mistake an illusion for the real thing. You want to believe it, so you convince yourself it's pure. Even when all the signs point to it being fake, you refuse to admit it to yourself. But that's not a mistake I'll be making ever again. There are striking instances when I feel that I've lost the best thing in my life..., but then I keep in mind that Irish proverb "what is for you will never go by you". If something's meant to be, it's meant to be and it will come to be by forces far more powerful than me. If I was part of something that was real, time will reveal it and bring it to full circle. And difficult as it is to accept, if it's not, it's not. If it fails to ignite in a different time then it was never mine to begin with and never as magical as I thought it might have been. You can moan all you want about it but if somethin' aint' meant to just aint' meant to be. Can't control it. Gotta have faith that the Universe is smarter than you are, Right? BUT WHAT IF IT ISN'T? What is the Universe is an idiot?

In any case I think there's something so solid within my core now that's simply incapable of feeling anything until all my senses are certain that the bond between I and whoever will be unshakeable and unbreakable by any measure.

There are certain things in life you just can't force, and love is the deepest of these elements. So, let it all fall as it will I say. Let everything flow organically. Accept your destiny, whether you agree with it or not. There's a reason things are the way they are. Free will can't be applied to love, love is all fate I think. I once thought it was all calculation, all direct consequences of mathematical probabilities. But if that was the case everyone should be able to choose who they love and don't love, and as the world is, it's so not the case. Why else would women who are physically abused by their spouses put up with the bruises for years? If it was all mathematics and self-survival, they'd be out the door instantly. Why in the Sun Also Rises does Hemingway show us a man who forgives all of his woman's sins because he loves her that deeply? Why are there so many woesome tales of unrequited love throughout the world? Why are there so many happy endings in the strangest of circumstances? I thought at one point there Has to be Some logical element to love. There just HAS to be. Otherwise it's just Too cruel. But maybe the Universe has a reason for cruelty. In Slumdog Millionaire's ending when the image of Jamal's mother being beat to death and all the other horrible injustices of his life flash together and then fades away as he sees Latika's smile illustrate this concept beautifully.

In regards to the biological clock, well, I've wondered lately if I could buck down and marry the one I'm with...even if I'm not madly in love...but that would be abhorrent to my principles. How unfair would that be to have him love me more than I love him? Not only that, but to my future children. What kind of lie would I have to make up about the way I feel about their father to their innocent eyes? I just couldn't do it. It's the type of shit that golddiggers pull. And I never have been and never will be a golddigger or the type of person that cruelly uses someone else for their own purposes. Manipulation in business is one thing, fucking with someone's heart is another thing entirely.

Perfection, nothing less. Key point: Nothing Less. In my only shot at life, I've no room for mediocrity. Every other aspect of my life is uncompromising, so why should This-the most important-be any different? I love with the power of the waves of a thousand tsunamis. And there's gotta be someone out there who'll love me with the same might. Just as I envision and seek him, he envisions and seeks me. Is that a total fantasy or is it a foreshadowing glimpse into my destiny?

"Fantasy of Love", 2003

"I want you to dance like a dervish. Find someone you can love like crazy, who'll love you back. Cuz the truth is honey, there's no point living life without this."-Meet Joe Black

Who knows......


Lightning could strike

meanwhile and like always, I'll keep running.

Is my running my destiny or a conscious choice?? This I don't know. The arabic phrase, "Maktub", roughly translating into "It Is Written" states that all that was, is, or will be, is already pre-destined. Natasha Beddingfield says "the rest is still unwritten".

If I quoted every quote I know I wouldn't be able to brush my teeth, too many conflicting arguements pro/con for the action.

So who, or what, is the writer, and who/what is reading the story of my life? Am I living the introduction, the middle, or the ending? How does it all end up?

just. Arrrgh. give me a pen dammit
if it runs out of ink I'll take that as a sign


Recipie for a Hero =

Unicorn blood
a pinch of African soil
the Heart of an honest man
a few slivers of a Diamond

lock of a Virgin maiden's long black hair
a glimpse of a sight that was Never There

piercing Intensity that blinds all doubt
a pair of eyes that sees Beyond

back and forth in Time Travel
speck of Magic to glue it all in

this the stuff of Legendary tale
this Nonsense the truth of Immortality

"Nosferatu Mother", 2006

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