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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"what are you?"

i’m scared of going
to bed tonight
worrying that tomorrow
will be there when i wake up
and i won’t be ready for it.

held you near
now I hold you from far
still breathing ?
still living ?
how ?

your memory is collapsing me
a finger
reminds me of the trace
your lips made
of mine

no eye
no face blends into my soul
save yours

I wear this mark
on my heart
seething into my depths
I locked oak doors!
and you?
a ghost.

did not expect
was it from the beginning
invisible ?
only to be seen through
MY eyes ?
or was it
a gap I hated of a reality that your illusion fulfilled ?

I ask
the clouds to cry
and I have never
before wanted sympathy

too much
to devour alone
. but I have been alone .
seeking consolations
where ?
in another’s body?

you still find me .
in another’s mouth?
it is you feeling my kiss .

Flesh to Flesh is all
nothing in me wants
except the sweetness
of your familiar pain
nothing is home
as your brow
caress of something stronger than skin
but how ?
how you?
I have always been a vagaboun.. noma.. d

and yet Nature leads a path
berries taste of you
and I am only
what I surrender to
sending your energy
through my blood
all your efforts wasted
in a simple fruit
how is taste enough
when I need you ?

compass . within a heart ?
distances unattainable !
so how do you
travel through this space ?

my blood still red
thick and sour
wounds closed
how have you entered
piercing through my safety ?

no prediction
For your heart
but time
cannot ravage what you’ve done to me

the greatest love
I possessed
consoles me no more
a note
in a harmony
too harshly reminiscent
of your song
music ? oh my music. ha!
what music .
there is no life
in any melody
without you

was it just a wish
and am I just a dreamer
p r o v e t o m e
I cannot distinguish reality
From my thoughts

what is “YOU” ?
who are you
who am I
I know who I am
but why ?


I search
how can you be the nothing as evanescent or as constant

If you are real
without ME
i SHOULD die
so IF my blood is still breathing
you must be
a dream

I am angry
no other word shall do
I gave in to love
it punished me with a wound
I am angry
no other word shall do
You robbed me of
My innocence
and made me think with doubt
I am angry
no other word shall do
a palette of mind
that once was a rainbow
has mixed to a muddy black
I am angry
no other word shall do
in all your confessions
a lie seeped through
you are a child and I am done with you
I am angry
no other word shall do
playing chess
was risk-free and more fun
till I stupidly succumbed
I am angry
no other word shall do
to rectify the harm I’ve done to myself
by choosing to love
to worship all that you are
I am angry
no other word shall do
I forced myself
to push aside the troubles
and smile with the sun through clouds
I am angry
no other word shall do
you let me down
you let me fall
and I had denied this truth
I am angry
no other word shall do
I loved you once
I hate you now
your whip leaves scars on my heart
I still believe love does exist
and wait for the sinner who shows me this
But no other word shall do
I am angry
For no longer being able to believe in you

it is such sorrow
to write
with this alphabet
which i was not born with
which was learned
and even as
my tongue
in words that are more my own
i have not developed
the comfort to me
and have only
obtained what was available
i may speak
and read
and write
with a million voices
but to be bilingual
is a curse
no greater wing
could lift me
than the smile
of my country
my tribute
to her soul
but i am of more than one country
so what country shall i boast
alas it stands
in every thought i think
in every word
that i have dared to learn
from tongues
that may
or may not resemble my own
to be of more than
is my only pride
and my only curse

black sonnet

to match
the darkness of your face
not in pigment
but the foreboding stories of your mind
what breathtaking cruelty! ah,
prettier than some
ordinary rose
that serves as a muse to so many
ebony eyelashes curve
leaving much to my imagination
what genius resides
as your roommate
shall it and I ever meet?
is there a one who is not a stranger?
if not in physicality
then within the caves of you?
this seductive mystery
so carefully spun in a dance
am I to tango next?
a waltz is too sweet
ballet for the aristocrats
it suits
fitting every unpredictable swerve
of your body ; the
force the unpredictable offers
such sensuality
system of fools split as sheep
bawing in fear of your step
sensitivity does not live
in the veins of such a dark hand
so should I rather undress myself?
uncover the black sonnet of my being?
perhaps not. let us not waste to discover such an expected story.

for anyone that feels the way I do

as i am writing
my future
for them to know
i know
there is someone
with a pen
writing up
a disproval
for what i have to say
critiquing my
every thought
and i respond
knowing that whatever
anyone has to say
about me
i will still
be me
at the end of
that happens
will be gone with time
and as i am writing out
my lessons
for the world to follow
i know they are asking
if i am learning
i am!

and i do not preach
of something i know
nothing about
and still i know
at this moment
a someone,
another someone
is watching me all the time
at the grocery store,
as i tan naked,
with my lovers,
i will never
feel safe
because i know
my emotions
are on a platter
for everyone to taste
what i am feeling
i show
in everything
and i put my heart
and still i know
that someone
is thinking up ways
to destroy

how can i
that although
you were love
and understanding
you were not
all love
and all understanding
that with it all
came the greatest hurt
the greatest pleasure
and your greatest betrayal
of me

unimaginable and i shake as if
addicted to the memorabilia
of purity
i have seen
wedlock without a kiss
and have read of reality
that you were not man enough to believe in
and i kiss
and do much more
by my weakness
but you.
you were supposed to protect me
to shelter me from myself
but you let me fall
you let me become an idiot
a useless hip
a stupidly seductive eye
a temptation
i created
unable to resist
you being
a part of me
why did you let me fall
and then say it was love
love is not a fall
but a rescue
from a fall
when the person who is about to fall
does not know of a fall
out of blindness

i was without eyes
and you could see
and you pushed me
into a pit
i am bleeding
i am crying
every cell in my body duplicated
with sadness
that i have never felt before
i feel your pain
and shed your tears
even with your regret
i am the one naked
i am this because of you
how could you??
love that rips me apart
to a mere woman
a woman that i have resisted to being
you let me
become a woman!!!
a WOMAN!!!
i who preached
to every
of waiting
i was a martyr of sanctity
i did die
in that hour
i am so ashamed
of how my body betrays
how you betrayed
i was a fool
unleashed my secrets to you
you manipulated

your tears
cannot undo this damage
i hate you
now you make me out to be the horrible one
a devil
and an angel
but you were the more powerful one
you could control
for you knew
what would happen
you knew
because you have happened before
but i was new
and stupid
but i will not become old
because of regret
i will drink my blood
and smell my fear
but how
can i feel
so much life
in an emotion
that feels worse than death
knowing that you said
and let me


this is
my body
but not my mind
my hips
are widened
but my soul is clutched
my hands
are grasping your back
nails are digging in
but this is not touch
in your ego
your mind
has used mine
but to capture me
you should have
used your heart
for what greater control
is there than of
willingness to fall?
force is not control
this may be my scream
but this is not my surrender


there are
discrepancies in your wisdom.

you preach of peace,
and insist on deadlines
and regularity
in a world
that really
controls you.

there is fury in your kind words
and your thoughts are conservative in creation.
i am not yours to fashion
and i am not a dog to be walked.

i have respected men
and at times have envied your common sense.
but i am not
just a woman.
and humans are not above each other.

there is a discrepancy
in your disgust of power
because as you are presented with a staff of authority,
you insist i bow.
i am not a slinky who will bounce
only after i am pushed.
i am a determined firey spirit.
i am more than what you know.

there are discrepancies
in your friendship.
as a stranger at a political scene
is respected more than i.
do not dare to shush me.
i will not be quiet.

there are discrepancies
between us.
and even though i attempt a calm,
these discrepancies furiate me.
these discrepancies make me condescend to anger.

there are discrepancies
in the way you trust me
there are discrepancies
in your love.

what a
waste of time
that i do not have
to spare
when my body
is begging
for that
which is marked
you sit
in your chair
and engage
in such drone
what a waste of time
one searches for love
and I am
not this one
I must
according to
a woman’s obligation
button my shirt
but simultaneously slip into
a sultry color
all of this
for the simplicity
of instinct
close your mouth
of words
do not overestimate
these formalities
with expected weeks of waiting
this will either die or advance
so unless you
have time to risk
let’s fuck society
and fuck ourselves

nothing better

happy birds
fly high
when i’m on stage
i am much higher
and much happier
and i fly
better than a bird
there is nothing
than a stage
except me
when i am on a stage

pretty flowers
except the ones on my front lawn
which are dead

can a tear
feel so alive
to such alarm
of my body
is pointless
i am overpowered
not by stress
or a heartache
not by blood
but by
a single

you were standing that night
in a white shirt
free of ruffles

your brown skin
gleamed in the light
of a dark auditorium
after a show
that you were the star of

that night
was the best
night of my life
you started my life
with so many thoughts
and so many new loves
i discovered my passions
of music
and art
and theatre
all in you

i was already all of this
but i did not know it
you were the life
i wanted
i realized it years later

as i remember
your white shirt
close to my skin
it was a first kiss
for us
but it was the start of many things

i wish i could find you
i have tried
and failed
i was a child when i met
and now have grown
and experienced much of the world

but i still
cannot forget
your brown skin
your eyes that led to me to your lips
sacred stage
where i first met you
and fell in love
i don’t know where you are now
and i don’t know
if i still would gaze upon you
as i did then

but for the start
of all this

thank you

you defy logic
you defy fiction
oh you
shall i speak of the glory in your eyes?
the depth of your stride?
every centimetre of treasure that you are
how can i
YOU are more than
anything everything nothing
i cannot describe you at all!
you are a white page
which if burdened with either letter or color
would sink
you cannot be labeled
you cannot be stamped
i will not let the world know anything about you
for you are everything
to ruin god would be to mention your characteristics
your endless beauties
go away all you words and you dreams begging for image
who you are

i am
it is dangerous
to dare
to love me
i run
after love
even when it
is chasing
i will run away from you
and you are a good soul
not a friend of sorrow
as i am
do not kiss me
i will run away from
the certainties
that will follow

my bloodstream,
with the
bite of lust.
poison me
with this passion
because i
cannot live loving.
i love nothing
and nobody.
instead, i am in love with


without singularity.

my bloodstream.
infest me
with your cancerous kisses.
make me immortal

i cannot live in love
to love


is to

waking UP

up down,
up down,
up down,.
taking me to
and a
my mouth
in the future of today
with the same white teeth
. the same white teeth! the same black eyes.
nose inflates
than i am!?
and then sun
hits pupils
hit as yesterday
regardless of whatever happens next.
for desire
of change:


Unfinished death

such an important
part of life
but life goes on
and so shall I


scorching me
with coldness
I lie
all alone
a cushion to the
falling deep blue on me
WeEping with each breath
his eyebrows scrunch up
in an outburst of anger
at what he cannot have
sends a yellow flash
splitting the tree
i was using for an umbrella
in two
I do not Move
captivated by sound
my eyes do not blink
ignoring the thick oceans that build up beneath them
he is in love with someone else
but sun shuns his dark clouds
she is too good
and i am just leftovers
but if i remain jealous, rays will never shine on the grass again

it is always me
who mends them both
and who is my mentor?
where is MY lover who would kill a tree
to find me?

but HE hates words
he won’t let anything escape
from my moist and full lips
as always,
i succumb to his kisses

meant for someone else

random thoughts @ 2 AM

too much
not enough
for anything

i swear
Dear pilgrim,
i would rather
miss the day
than to greet it
never wanting just one thing
see it all
or nevermind
and as i sit contemplating
whether to stay or to go
i feel a bit helpless
knowing my eyes want more
jolly this and tip-tidy that
“reality is” i really do not care
if a response to a “how are you” is not “ok”
slap myself silly
for this sin
but I do not attend church. Cannot confess but with a grin
So dear pilgrim
Please have a splendid. Polite afternoon
but i must admit
you have disappointed me
for this lesson few will obtain
yet it still remains that
to shake the hand
of a man
wearing a glove
is worse

not shaking
any hand at all


My only freedom
Lies in knowing
That we are never free
Understanding this
Knowing there is a wall
Strengthens my mind
So as one day
Break it
Why must we
Or eat
Even sleep
Why cannot we fly
Instead of pressing
Gas pedals
Smooth chrome
We are
In machines
For egos
We do not
The ground we walk upon
Of plastic
And dead cows
I know
We are all one
Not free,

Not free together

And I begin
To think
Is there
Between the two

i am told
by many people
that i have an answer to everything
and am extremely impossible
they hate me for it
my arrogance.
but my delight in arguement
is the only consolation i have
knowing that whatever anyone may say
i will always possess my wit


Oh what a beautiful illusion you were
a dream I forced to reality
there were signs!!
and instances
love puts such tolerance in a being
that you never
did anything
you vowed to
was surely not a moment of disparity
for your promises would come
moan you made of me
wailing from the greatest pleasure on earth
the sin and innocence in a human touch
but aside from innocence
all it was
remains a sin
such a deformity you hid
and my ears lacked the wisdom
to listen to voices
yet should I have listened to them all
you would not have been a true illusion
was it love?
and what love is this
that does not flame
until it has taken a kiss
it lacks all the important things
the total responsibility
for another heart
no this was some other space
that filled my heart
with a tender embrace
now soils my face with rageful tears
what a beautiful piece of silicone you were


i’m told i have to decide
on something
doesn’t really matter what
as long as the decision is a lengthy one
which will wrap up my dreams in a suitcase
and land me at the destination of a retirement package someday
they’re all the same
all the jobs
all the choices
all the pointless illusionistic freedoms
which we assume we possess
but nobody stops to think about that
they’ll just keep telling you
to never think
to just
you’ll find that after
you do
and do
and do
and do
you do
stop thinking
because you’ve become a part of a system
that makes no room for thought
whatever you end up doing
is just an action
to get you to the next day of action
where will a thought get you?
what good is an idea in this system?
an idea is pointless they say
without motivation
without the do
there can be no think
but when you do
don’t think
sure you think that you do think
but you don’t
because if you did
you’d break out in laughter
and run off a cliff
this life that you’re living
this house that you’ve bought
this wife that you love
it’s all part of that “do” thing
so whatever you think of it
you’re still its robot
and should you ever stop doing
to think
you’ll discover the absurdity
of everything

i hate

you will be
the only organism in the world.

for as long as i want you.

all you will feel is love
and you will feel it completely.
in this time
i will be
only yours.
and will never be unfaithful.
you will be amply supplied
with every fetish there is the possibility to desire.

always but.

the hourglass
will run out of sand
on your bliss.

and i will be gone.
before the
last grain

because ,
“no one worth possessing,
can quite be possessed”. – Sara Teasdale

it is always inside me
this contempt of the polite
even when i have had to kiss ass

the hell that power puts into people!
i’ve had bosses
who thought they were better than me by being assholes and assholettes
and now
they are the ones who are couch potatoes
drinking beer and minding their spoiled children

i hate these games
that you have to play in order to get anywhere
strategizing in dating,
being overly decent to an orderly,
doing homework because you are told to
in order to have a nice fat A on a transcript

all these games
will get you nowhere
they will eat at your soul
and drive you down
until you begin to realize
that you don’t have to be a participant
in these sideshows

they are not the bosses of you
don’t let anyone take over
what you think is right
because we all have different definitions of what is right
and thus there is no definitive definition of what is right or wrong

if you feel like peeing
on your superior’s desk
do it.
and face your consequence knowing that it is THEIR consequence for YOUR actions. don’t be reprimanded. just know they’re idiots who don’t know that anything truly terrible done will be punished by guilt.

just do what you want to do
not for the sake of doing what you want to do.
don’t be like what i used to be :
aiming to be a rebel just for the attractive bad ass title.
do what YOU want
if you feel your trust compell you

if you know
it is what YOU know
and to you it will always remain true
so don’t let anyone convince you
that your truth is not truth

because to them
are not them

but we are all truth

just not to each other

i will never know anything better than myself.
there is anguish in this.
i only have two eyes
and what i see
is only understood by them
what i know as red
is different
to every.

i have no knowledge
and no reality
i only have me
and my observations

i am
mixed and confused
by genetics
my father is dark
and my mother is white
and i am not
looked upon as either
and the
most hurtful
most annoying
anyone can ask me
“what are you?”

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