ME-1st Slideshow and MY ARTWORKS-2cd/bottom Slideshow

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Sunday, November 27, 2005


reality is extremely depressing. i thought that high school was hell, but no, that is just life. life, in whatever way, has all of these systems and organized pathways that must be followed. from the simplest action like urinating to becoming famous, everything follows some type of pattern. how can there not be fate in this sense? the only way of free will seems to be death. simply by living i am fulfilling a plan. my biological body is already systematic in everything that it does to sustain itself. life that appears free, such as that of an artist of some sort, even it is structured. everything, everything is planned systematically and categorically. people act according to stereotypes and mentality which they were brought up upon. reality plays out these stereotypes because the only other option is death, as death is an end to the pattern. my father has basically forced me to go back to maui. and even as i try to be happy about it and take it as it comes, every moment spent together with helms causes me to question everything. why am i leaving? so i can live this supposed reality, get a job, earn money, so we can go to la and "make our dreams come true". i can stay here, and feel shitty about having my parents who i love pay for 2 or 3 more years at university for a degree that i don't even want, all for being with helms. and i think that being with him is beyond worth everything. and i guess the best thing for us both is for me to leave, because while i am here i am a burden. and this issue has been going on for months. but when i see the systemacity of everything, its just aaak. in nz i feel like i have more of a sense of reality than in maui. like in hs i had hopes and dreams because everythign seemed possible, everything had a future. now i realize, hopes and dreams come with money, and a nice apartment, and access to computers, and access to good food, and even to have a nice body it takes money. if one simply works out all the time naturally, there would be no time to work, meaning no money to eat, and thus none to live. people who go to gyms have the money to pay for membership. the whole thing just fucking sucks. i thought i would do somethign great, be the best at it, then meet the one, and then things would sort of melt into clouds and paradise. and now, all this reality that you have to work your whole life. your whole damn life. even if you're a celebrity, true they can retire at 21 or so, but thats cuz they've been working since about 5. i feel ecstatically happy with helms sometimes and other times i feel that all the expectations i had before have not been fulfilled. he looked/looks so beautiful after a shower, and always looks beautiful and i forget how amazing and brillliant he is. he is the only one for me and the only one i want, and yet i also feel that maybe there's more? helms is n't lacking anything, its just first off if the whole work thing is forever, that means this soccer thing is permanent. forever, always games, etc. i support him and love him, but as much as i try to ignore it, i fucking hate sports. a musician, where the daily thing would be attending rehearsals or performances, that is fun, writers conferences, not bad, painters stuff, fun. and i always said i would be with an artist. but soccer? forever? i'm not saying that soccer is who he is, its not, but if its how money is gonna come in, thats what he'll be doing. and what i'll be a writer? and our lifestyles will mesh? doesn't seem that way. and i would not want him to give up what he loves. and he loves it. and i love him, and its all so irritating. why do i love someone who it makes no sense to be with? and why isn't my life goign to plan? and everything is so customary and irriating. i am going to be miserable in maui, and i don't even know how long i will be gone. and once there, i will have to pick up a life that means watching my weight, exercising, reading, working, just living basically. and i think i hate life. i love being with helms. if there was just a universe where we could just be together and thats it, no judgment, no expectation, no survival of the fittest crap that is the world, that in my mind would be perfection. not striving for achievement, but just living in the beauty of love, without worrying about money and fame and success and everything else. why can't we just escape to an island and eat nuts and berries? have we been so brainwashed that it is impossible to escape anymore? my whole future seems predetermined and fated already. either college, or no college. either success, or no success, in any case i'll be working in some profession , or maybe living with dad til 30, in which i'll be forced to move out anyway. and if i'm a writer that means 14 hours a day or so of writing. i guess that wouldn't be as bad as all the other things. jsut writing and drawing. but where would helms be? he would be training for soccer, somewhere else, and i would only see him in the evenings or on random times. i want to be with him all the time. the journalist thing would be cool, but then the help thing and what a wonderful person he is and wants to help everybody. and maybe i used to be that way. but lately i've been feeling fuck everybody. i don't give a shit, cuz giving a shit has winded me up here. i love helms, my parents and family and thats it. and then of course my previous mentality of love everybody, etc. hard to believe that was me at the beginning of the year. i don't feel that way anymore. all these things you're supposed to be, or supposed to feel, or not supposed to feel. with everybody having their own opinion on eveyrthing,and still having universal truths. i don't know who i am! or who i want to be, because everything out there is planned and strategized and i don't want to be any one of those paths. i want to be everyting, and to be nothing. i don't want to exist, and yet i don't want to kill myself because it would hurt the people i lvoe and i don't want to leave them alone. and simultaneously if we all died it would be perfect, but if they love life, i dont want them to sacrifice that. when i don't think is when i can tolerate everything. i don't know if its happiness, but its tolerance. but i need to think to write, or really to do anything. so what the hell should i do? are animals happy? you don't see animals with bipolar disorder. and they have no thoughts. but then there is the path of truth and beauty and freedom, and these are all thoughts, so my head and self is a huge contradiciton. i am a contradiction. i love helmut marko, and yet i hate helmut marko, and yet at other times i am completely indiffernt to him. i feel disgusted sometimes by him. and sometimes i feel powerless and weak in his presence, his grandeur and my admiration and respect for him. at times i feel he is a god, the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. and at other times i am so horribly annoyed at him i feel like screaming. so , what the hell does that mean? what does any thing or any of it mean? i dont want to be a puppet, and yet all of life seems to be exactly that, being puppets.

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