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Sunday, November 27, 2005

the "miracle" of birth

New baby brother is born. They had to name him John Paul.What an awful, horridly boring name. This is what i wrote atthe hospital when i watched his head pop out of my mother'suterus.
: he knew. he KNEW! when he just came out . I saw it in hiseyes. The pain, the sadness, the slavery of this all. Thesystem, the entire thing that isn't questioned. HE KNEW, hellooked straight at me with his beautiful little eyes andstared. He didn't cry. not yet. that came later. He gave methis look, "what am i doing here? why?" all the nurses andthe doctor were babbbling on about how handsome and cute hewas, mother was weeping with "tears of joy". it was intense,i will admit. we were in labor for 14 hours, not to mentionthe months or waiting, she's been anxious to pop for a longtime. he was only a couple of days overdue. supposed to bethe 18th of oct, but it was the 22cd. but, he shoudl havebeen born in september at the fullness of her belly. we hadsome complications, he wrapped him umbellical cord aroundhimself 3 times, huge cord, and we woudlve had to have ac-section, all prepped up for it. but, first she was 5 cmdilated and then boom 5 minutes later 10 cm, and all it tookwas 3 pushes even though she had an epidural, and bang, hejust flew out. it was disgusting and beautiful. i almostpuked. this huge bump on the bottom of her vagina, the lipsspreading apart, and this head coming out of her. it was asci-fi movie. if any of you have seen a birth you'll knowwhat i mean. if you haven't, ask me later. don't they seewhat they've all done? conformed again to this cycle. iwanted to grab him and run out the door. but that would justcause them all suffereing, and that woudn't save them. itWOULD save him, but i have time alone with him, i can schoolhim, i can train him, he will be more than they know. 5minutes later though after his birth, his eyes were lighter.As if he was brainwashed by some unspoken force. I look inhis eyes and it kills me. I can see his pain, i can see hishappiness. they say babies can't think or feel or areuncapable of congnitive thinking. they don't know what thefuck they're talking about. his eyes were the smartest thati've seen in a long time. so refreshing, and yet so they will soon fade into the eyes of a newborn. when heis taught that he doesn't knwo anything, and conditionedinto the process of learning. when he learns mathematics,and literature, and high school,. and sex, and retirementfunds, and taxes, and political affairs. for his whole life,it all starts here, and he's already trapped. but if i toldhim now, everything, eh would want to revert back into thecess pool of energy. he has been shaped into form. i'msorry. i'm so so sorry. i want to take him and run away withhim right now. to the atom, to the molecule. does anybodyrealize? no of course they don't. and he won't he's alreadytrapped. his beautiful little head under that stupid littleblue and black diagonally patterned beanie that the "caring"nurse put on him to "keep him warm". put him in the damnjungle!!! they put their alcohol swabs and circumcised himand keep him in this awful hospital with its patheticyelllow walls and nurses who i see smoking cigarettes andtwiddling with their hair outside its walls. yeah, this sivery fucking safe. much safer than a jungle where he wouldbe lying on the fresh dirt of the earth, surrounded by thepat of rain. a jaguar might come along and snarl him, but ithink he'd be better off. my child, my eon, my destino willnever go through this hell. i'll be far gone off thisreality by then. he will only taste the mystery of bluewater and feel the freshness of sand. diapers? clothes? hellno. sterility? babies weren't born to be sterile. who saysthat sterility is for the best? they branded him with aname. not even a good name like extralius or diphenous. no"john paul". after the pope they say, and thier liking forthe beatles, so he can be john paul george ringo. fuck me.seriously. just give me a gun and shoot it at my ears rightnow. tagged him with a name, with a future. the "miracle" oflife. yeah the fucking grand miracle. you work every day forall of your life without stop and learn to not question whyit is that you do, and if you do somehow question it yourefuse to acknowledge the question because you've beeninstructed that you can never never "let your mind oremotions control you". BYULLLSHIT. his first day of life andhe has to learn how to suck on a nipple, put all of hismouth to work, to feed himself. his first day!! he knewexactly what to do. as soon as he found teh nipple, hesucks. they call it "fast learning". learning of what? yeahsuper smart fast learning of your system you bastards.adapting to the system withou actually knowing what he'sdoing is a slave reflex directly into the black hole of allthis. and i'm trapped too. trapped by this body and theserules, this obligations, this life. i want to exit RIGHTNOW. and i can't because the ones left behind, they don'tunderstand, they don't KNOW, not even my love . all theywill feel is hurt, abandonement, sadness, eventually anger.they won't understand what it is that i'm trying to do. oneof these days i have to do it though. no, not suicide. you'rthinking that aren't you? you with your misconceptions ofthe "sadness " i must be feeling. suicide isn't because ofgiving up. and i'm not gonna do it anyway. no, what i haevto do is something phenomenol. i can't tell you yet. youwon't be able to visualize it. my abstractions are picasso'spaintings to you all. they will have these emotions, i cantleave them yet. love, it traps me. this somethign intonothing universe, it'll either infinitely expand, or blow upinto empty. if it expands we'll evolve. evolution issimplicity, and eventually we'll wind up as energy withoutbodies, or skin. if we implode, we'll just end up asparticles without atomic energy to attract themselves toeach other. not neutrons or positrons or any trons, we'lljust be back to those goddamn "particles". yeah, particles,thats all they'll tell you. for all the scientists andbrilliant minds of the world, one of the basic things youlearn in physics is that we all started out as "particles".great explanation eh? of course it will get much morecomplicated afterwards. all this human arrogance leads toquantum mechanics and astrophysics and equations that you'llprobably look at and wonder what all the squiggly littleletters mean. doesn't solve shit thought. i'm not hawkingyet, but trust me, i know. and balance all of his organs indigestion so that he can poop his miconium and have gas.tell me any of you, why do babies cry? why do they ALWAYSCRY? yeah yeah "its primitive instict". well think about it.if its so damn primitive, and they do it as soon as theycome out of the uterus, and keep doing it until they'reprogrammed how to think, then every one of you cries everyday. cries for the pain that you feel when you walk on asidewalk and somebody brushes you by as if you're abroomstick. the sadness of going into a board meeting andpossiblly firing someone with a family. its all businessright? this whole life, its just all business huh? nobodycries anymore. everybody's been told its bad to cry. babiescry cuz they're too stupid to apply their self-control andexercise the true cognitive ability of their brains. yeah.babies are geniuses. i wish i could save you john paul. butit looks like you're gonna end up 20 and heading off tocollege. just like i've been trapped regardless of what iknow to be true. why can't there be places for us? they allsay mental institution is where i shoudl go. throw it at meyou "bipolar" analystis and "schizophrenia"balbalablabalbal. nothing is a disease. everything is asign. why do you think that most geniuses have actually hadschizophrenia, bipolar, adhd, or etc.? maybe cuz we realizesomething which you all do too but are too trained to shoutout. Maybe they'll understand in a millenium. maybe later.maybe never. he's already to late to be saved. i could savehim, but nobody would understand and that isn't savior. noneof them get it. i cannot go on with this anymore. this is myproof. the PAIN, the GENIUS, in his eyes. soon they will betold what to think, what to feel , how to live. and all hewill see is this

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