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Friday, July 24, 2009

A hilarious alternative to the 401 Nigerian Internet Scam

My Half-Jamaican, Half-Chinese friend Kamal Moo, lawyer and manager/creator of his own music label (is also other ethnicities too), yes I know, I marvel that there is such a mix, whenever we hang people aren't quite sure how to respond. I love being a mutt. Oh how I cherish the mutted mixes of this world.

Kamal has come up with an elegant solution to those annoying spam messages you find in your inbox, with some sultan or business "guru" asking for money or your help in receiving a lump sum of a million dollars.

Below is such:

"This "executive" from Toyota emailed and said I won a bunch of money from the Toyota lottery. so, i responded with this...

Dear Mr. Brown,

Greetings and salutations to your royal majesty. I speak not from my heart, but from the pit of my sexual being when I say thank you for getting in touch with me. But, before we do business, I must insist that we get to know each other first. Let me tell you some things about myself...

1) As a child, my father would kick me down the stairs if I would urinate between the hours of 6 AM and 6 PM. This happened to me every day until I was 32 and then I was finally able to kick him down the stairs. It was funny to see him and his wheelchair tumbling down into the darkness. However, to this day, whenever I see a staircase, my testicles begin to ache and I vomit hysterically.

2) I am sexually attracted to dangerous animals. I cannot help this. I have tried to avoid alligators and wild dogs, but the seductive expressions in their beedy little eyes just drive me wild and I must have them at that instant Do not try to change this about me.

3) I masturbate while watching commercials for underarm deodorant. I often cry when I do this. Afterwards, I go and shower for several hours and scrub my shameful body with a Brillo pad. I then cry some more and eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. Some people call this bizarre, but I call it "Friday Night."

4) I love hookers....but I do not like to pay them. This has caused me much difficulty.

Anyway, tell me about yourself, Mr. Brown Toyota Japan Lottery. Tell me as much as you can. And, please, tell me your dirty fantasies. I will tell you mine later -- needless to say, they revolve exclusively around Dame Judi Dench, rawr!

Kevin "The Sweaty Masturbator" Mitchell "

-Kamal Moo, (Manager, Owner/Creator, Lawyer)

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