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Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Disillusioned Ideal

There are so many charlatans, fakers, liars, assholes and sickos in this world.

It will make for fascinating literature when I write my great character novel.

And yes, all of you fucktards who fucked with me at one point or another will be in it.

What is evil? IF there was such a thing as pure good and pure evil, pure good would be honesty. Pure evil is ulterior motives, secrets, lies.

How often I have believed in humanity so deeply that I've given up all my suspicion to fight for an ideal. All the lovers I've been with, all the people I've known, all the connections and bonds, all the claims I believed. "Forever", and all that rubbish. Every "good" person that insists on their "goodness", every "master" who turns out to be just full of shit, every system that claims it's superiority.

This is not a cynical stance. I firmly believe true pure love exists, as well as true pure people, and a true pure free world. I just haven't found it anywhere. I look in the mirror and I definitely don't see it either.

I am so diseased. This world is so diseased.

It's so hard finding anything real anymore.

Lately though, especially in the past 2 years since the dessemination of one of the purest things I thought was real, (it wasn't) I've developed a real good radar for bullshit.

It should be a crime for people to say one thing and then go and do another.

I see all the hipocracies within myself and all the contradictions and I am sickened by how diseased I have become. The more I stay in this hellhole, the more I find myself hating the thing I have to be. In this diseased world, what truth is there really?

The Trees.

The Sun.

The Earth.

but even those are corrupted by man.

I'd like to meet One person in my life, just ONE at least, who is Absolutely 100% REAL.

Who says what they mean, means what they say, has zero personal interest or intent, and is just PURE.

I thought I met him, thought our union was a magical phenomenon of a miracle, thought he was the Purest spirit I'd ever known. But sadly time proved to show that it was all a lie, an illusion, and every word out of his mouth and every action was False. He turned out to be no being of truth, just another one of the masses, too weak to stand up for himself and sinking so easily into conformity. It broke my fucking heart. It's shattered and in fact it's just gone now. FUCK ALL THAT SHIT.

I believed a sheep was a warrior, and he was just a fucking sheep. WHERE DID THE UNICORN GO? WHERE IS THE PURE?!!!!

I want to believe, but there's shit all to believe in anymore. I'm DONE. I can only control the dirt within my own self, let the sheep ramble on their own, I'm thru with sheepherding. If only I could be that person, if only I could cleanse myself entirely into being a saint and wiping all of the ugliness out of my life.

This could be though along the same lines of hoping to bump into a unicorn in the forest, as I'm seeing more and more what my mother has said, "I've yet to meet a real altruist" is sadly the reality of this planet.

Right now I'm just feeling a massive FUCK YOU towards pretty much every person I've ever met and/or known in my entire life.

How long did you think I'd let you get away with the act? How many smiles does it take for people to admit the truth? WHY ME? EH? WHY DO ALL OF YOU EVERYWHERE WANT ME? Am I a fucking cookie? Chew me up, digest, swallow, spit and think that's it? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Why'd you fuck with me? Why'd you even enter my realm? What did you want? Did you get it? Energy VAMPIRES, all of you. It's not just too late to apologize, it's too late for anything. I want nothing to do with any human, anywhere, forever. Rivers, Animals, fucking Cactuses are more Humane than the "humans" that populate this earth.

Once upon a time I tried to save some of you. Once upon a time I tried to be with some of you. Once upon a time I loved some of you. Once upon a time I was a fool.

But everywhere I've looked, everyone I've known, everything I've tried, everywhere, has been a lie.

The only truth is the sun. the earth. the sky.

everything else is an illusion.

I can't name a single human on the planet that is free of personal motive, ego, selfish nature, or some type of narcissism. Myself included, because I've been a robot of that system. But even those people I've respected most, at one point or another, have shown that the essence of a human being is so twisted and wrong in so many ways, that it cannot be fixed by human beings themselves.

If there is a "god", it is desperately needed. I watch this planet dying every day. Not even Superman could fix this mess-and I've been down and up THAT pathway. I've been Clark Kent dammit and it still wasn't enough. and No-all you megalomaniacs-you're not fucking god nor are you a practitioner. you're false, all of you. Take those bibles, bhagavad gitas and torahs and cram them up your elitist hypocritical asses. Do I have the answer ? no. I thought I did at one point, but that is Ego talking. I don't. I admit it. And anyone who claims that they do, without actually proving it by SAVING this wretched planet, is ruled by EGO as well.

Fuck you all. I'll destroy every last one of you. I'll blow this whole zoo apart. I'll take a chainsaw and bleed you motherfuckers dry. If this world can't be saved, it must be destroyed. Rebirth is necessary, and the state of the people on this planet, from Timbuktu to Budapest to Brazil is begging for change. I sit and watch from the shadows, all of you, hoping that one day you will all take a stand, fight for truth and free yourselves. But I'm disgusted with you all. It's a pitiful mess that you've allowed yourselves to be in. The worst thing is you actually lie to yourselves and say THIS WORLD IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. IT IS NOT BEAUTIFUL. It COULD be beautiful, but the way it is right now-you're either extremely ignorant or extremely hopeful to think so.

As to LOVE being the solution to everything, the one thing worth living for, well HAAAAAAAH. Been there done that. The biggest mindfuck there is. Destruction of the spirit on so many levels that I don't even know if this lifetime, if all of eternity is enough to heal the damage. Goodbye heart-ta-ta, you are going to stay buried forever. I AM AN ICE BLOCK, in a fortress of lava, protected by a dragon with 8 razor tongues. And as to that horrible phrase "I Love You", a damn CONCEPT thrown around so often that it's lost all meaning. "I Love You" really means, "I'll use you 1000% and suck you dry for as long as you fulfill my purposes, I will make you believe that we're meant to be, but if things aint' workin' out for me or my comfort zone takes a shaking I'll toss you to the dust and go on my merry way. oh but p.s thanks for all the memories and take care."



I could jam a pillar thru the heart of the world right now, my ancestor must be Ivan the Impaler this rage bursting thru my blood.

And as to Friendship? Well that's a crock too. Aint' no real friendship anywhere, it's all just a huddle nest for people to bind together to distract themselves from the pain it is just to be Alive. One arguement and friendships of 50 years dissolve. Marriages that are "thru sickness and health, better or worse" only last thru the Better-where the fuck is the FIGHT to keep all those promises alive? Shut up with all of your I Love You's you dirty sick fucks. They mean absolutely nothing without the action to back them up. The next person who says I LOVE YOU to me I'll stick a fucking knife into. Why do people say shit that THEY DO NOT MEAN? THAT IS PURE EVIL. WHERE IS THE HONESTY??????

I'm DONE. I'm thru with believing in humanity. There isn't a single Human out there in the world that I can call Righteous and Real. EVERYONE is full of shit. Including me.
I denounce my "humanity".

I've broken the fear a long time ago and I have zero problems now with telling you all:


I'm off to go hug a tree and walk on some more water.


Nebris said...

Saints are boring and usually a drag. The best 'holy beings' I've ever met were freaks and often pretty fucking cranky. Guess you're on the right track.

But this shit ain't easy. Personally I've been through sixteen flavors of hell before I got the point where I'm pretty much okay being this fat old man sitting here in his underwear, farting and picking his nose while he 'preaches' on line. Comfortable enough to say that to a brilliant and luscious gal like y'all and really not give that much of a shit. [note I do qualify those of]

Sure, I'm a bullshit artist and conman; however I'm afraid those are required skills to 'change the world'. The vast majority of humans don't really want change, even those who live in squalor. Change is read as LOSS because our Biological Selves run on Fear. That is a hard wired survival mechanism. Most never will change. Ever. Accept that.

And truly connecting with our Higher Selves is tough path, filled with the rejection of our fellow hoomons and marked by our own Fears, usually that we are broken [we are] and not enough [that too]. The Path to one's Higher Self is taken in spite of those states.

If you wish a 'pain free existence', try heroin.

If you wish to be Clear and Enlighten, be willing to fully Own your Shadow and be prepared to get your ass kicked. A lot. And hard.

So, let me share some of what I have learned...

First, and because you are 'a brilliant and luscious gal', some Truth about Men. If we're 'straight', we all want to fuck you. Period. It's our nature, deal with it. But realize most men do not really know why they want to fuck you. Most think it's because 'yer hawt', which you are, in fuckin' spades.

But that's not the real reason.

Remember that I commented upon one of your bikini pix about 'having ten daughters to conquer the world'? In that photo you embody the archetypal Fertility Goddess. And that's why men really want to fuck you, to impregnate you, because you are excellent breeding stock.

“No! No! No, dood!” most guys would go. All their fore-brains know is Hot Chick Ahead and they want to play forever. But the Reptile Brain clearly sees that you would produce high quality off spring.

As I said above, we are Biological Beings. The Path to the Higher Self accepts that and makes peace with it, as it is an essential part of our nature. That is why I reject the whole celibacy paradigm in general. It rejects that nature and therefor is not Authentic.

Funny, as I typed those words I thought, “Poor old Osho, he was too sweet for his own good.” Me, I'm a fucking son of bitch...which is why I will keep working on you. Your rage is wonderful to behold, like the blackening of the sky before a great storm.

See, I told I was a bullshit artist. *grin*

Anonymous said...

just a small question.
how will you with your unreal mind will know the real even if you meet it ? seems like another contradiction to add to the already huge list. take care.

Anonymous said...

just a small question.
how will you with your unreal mind will know the real even if you meet it ? seems like another contradiction to add to the already huge list. take care.

Nebris said...

Small procedural suggestion; disable Anonymous posting. =)

TheAnomalyInfinite said...

Grattitude to you dear Nebris, and Anonymous, for your thoughts.

Nebris: The major thing that fueled my anger was my attachment to people at their core....and my raging disappointment with the fucked up state of this world, I take it in deep and it stings. And all the people that have tried to steal my energy-not in the literal "fucking" procreation sense, but in the soul sense. But, if I let go of my ego....then all of it will not affect me....and indeed...I do not have to save nor do I have to destroy.....I just must...concentrate on one singular ideal-disillusioned as it may be.

Anonymous-you have a worthy point. Though, you've yourself demonstrated that which has irritated me in terms of deciphering the genuine and the false-your "anonymity". What is REAL will never be "anonymous", and will have zero problems with revealing itself. As to another contradiction to add to the list, that list is what I am, and I've stated that many times. It is deciphering it and eradicating all hipocracies which remains my challenge.