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Friday, May 01, 2009

the uh....what I posted on and other dating sites lololol

NOTE* My boyfriend and I broke up (filmmaker/futboller-that's Soccer) from a very serious, incredibly deep, complicated, intense, obsessive, this-is-everything, crazy love, romeo & juliet meets silence of the lambs...5 year relationship in March. I don't want to get into the details. Anyway due to thus, I'm healing, pretty closed off emotionally and not looking for anything serious.

For some reason...(something of the soul...mind...heart...) this seems necessary to say. This is me. This is what I am. Classify it, hate it, love it, whatever. I am honest, straight-forward and prefer to just show you what I am upfront so you know. I'm insane, I'm fun, I'm deep, I'm a doofus, I'm a whole list of words and stereotypes and generalizations but none of them truly matter because I am just ....ME. I won't change for anyone Directly-though life itself is continual change. Please don't try to impress me because I'm not trying to impress you. I grew up as a child prod/teased nerd/dork, somehow I am now a model. This whole flattery business is always hilarious to me, and every time it happens I kind of-lol-feel a "muwhwhhahahahahhahaaa!!!" feeling at all the mean, ignorant kids who made fun of me. I think men (and women) assume that if you are what they consider externally means that you're somehow immune to all the pain and torture it is just to be alive. I take pride in my appearance, I take pride in my brain, I take pride in my achievements and accomplishments. I take pride in all that, because it is my victory in the "real world", a world which I find RIDICULOUS. The fact that I have gained "Success" in this "real world", is what I am proud of. Not so much the actual achievements, but the mere output of energy I had to put out to acquire it (naturally being an isolated Hermit).....I hope you realize that this all...All of it....your "job" "goals" "reality" "car" "house" "image" "stuff" "achievement" is an external game play. You were born naked, with none of that, save your parent's love. THAT is who you are at base, that is how I see you thru my eyes, and how I see myself. As adulthood happens, people put on their masks and their games and build borders to protect themselves. I'm really looking for people that can put aside the facade and can laugh like they did when they were in 4th grade. Those who are more interested in what kind of unicorns they/I like rather than the numbers and statistics that quantify us in the "real world". Who and what are you when you stand in front of an ocean? What do you feel when you see the hardship of the third world? Who painted the sky blue? Why are you alive? What the heck is this place called a universe and what is the purpose of all of the life forms within it? What IIIS this???? what intrigues me truly...and anything and anyone which comes close to this big deep ultimate interest/question captures my heart. I'm something supernatural...I'm something rare....I'm something not quite-explainable. No that is not being Full of Myself...that is me Knowing myself.....based on both my objective analysis and the quantifiable terms of measurement from other objective observers....this is the scientific truth. I'm a contradiction, I'm a whatever. This is me. Take it or leave it.

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