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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Will To Act

Something I have not shared with you. Last week my beloved macbook completely and unexpectedly crashed, I was in the middle of writing an article here (which is now lost). It was one of my best thus far. It was about many things, though the fluid concept was the conflict of peace/hermit existence vs. the achievement/ego and fight of the entertainment industry jungle.

Yes my mac has been fixed, and all is great. I back up all my data on an external drive so the major components of my work, finished books, writing, art, music, photography, mathematics theories, modeling portfolio, films, etc. were all saved. I did lose a lot of new data that I had created the two weeks prior to the nervous breakdown of my mac, but it has all been stored in my brain and when I make time I will attempt to re-write it.

This is my first entry since the breakdown, which is a bit traumatic for me. The mac breaking down was a murphy's law, ironic moment for me. Naturally I am quite skeptical, but I also believe very strongly in my vision and that anything is possible, for anyone. Reality constantly tests my theory and I am constantly questioned by others as being delusional. The mac was the source of all my work. I had a 7 gb database of photographs off of the internet, built up over the last two years that I used for artistic inspiration and strength. I had 155 gb of work material: music, writing, art, etc. It had all my web browser bookmarks of sites which were exceedingly brilliant to me/or informative which took a lot of time to find, my writing, art, music, everything was organized on my desktop and harddrive exactly the way I wanted it, which had taken a lot of time to arrange. Basically if you imagine an entire life on a computer, this was it. I was so thrilled that I had my mac, because I could use what was on it to show to industry execs. And, when this Great thing had just happened about getting meetings in Hollywood, almost too good to be true, it felt like the universe was laughing at me, telling me HAHAHHAA you think you've been fighting, struggling and in pain for so long and its now over? HAHAHA here you go, solve this one. Obviously it is still only a device, and it is not wise to attach to materialistic things, but this was a useful tool for me, especially with showing industry people, friends, family , my work in an easily understandable way. The irony of it all, was that on top of the chaotic crazy schedule I Already had, the clients I had to keep in contact with which my main contact is Email (no other internet access or comp or money to go to internet cafes), those clients being my Income, and preparing for LA, just when Finally an opportunity had come along, Bang my mac crashed. I immediately jumped to fix it, and I had a lot of unexpected support and help from a certain friend who I am very grateful for. That was another turning point, Asking help from people, a strange and irritating concept to me. I fixed it on my own of course, but the beginning process I actually told a few people what happened and one of them jumped as many hoops as possible to help me. It got fixed. In the big spectrum of things, this is absolutely nothing. Less than infinitely insignificant. Me is me, my work is my work, computer or no computer, internet or no internet. But when I was in that moment, it Felt like the "end of the world". As I continue to tell people, your Emotions can be more powerful than any Reality that you are in. I just want to tell everyone, shit happens, accept that it does. And it's not even shit! I look at this all as a great opportunity. Because my mac had to be erased back to its original, factory settings, it was like opening up a brand new mac. It was a cleansing of the past two years, in preparation for LA, like a fresh new me. And plus, I did have all my data backed up. Yes, it will take a lot of time to re-organize everything and re-build bookmarks and such, but it's also exciting to be able to start from scratch, again. It is important to see the light and blessing in any situation. I made sure I didn't let this event distract me from LA, or make up all my tendencies of connecting and analyzing of the Meaning behind everything. I just did my best to see it for what it was, a technical error. Not some message from the universe, or a sign. Just a technical error. And if I had to be meaningful about it, a big blessing of impetus from the universe giving me a house-cleaning! In addition, preparing me for any instance when possibly it might crash again in LA, to make sure I have alternate ways of doing business. I'm grateful and thankful for this event. In addition, to the support & help from my Helms, my anonymous angel friend, and the instant help offered by those whom I told. Makes my heart radiate.

And thus....I am back on! Like the belgian horse I got back on after I painfully fell off at 13, I force myself to embrace, then conquer my fears, however small or large they are.

Here is something I found in my hard-copy database of notes as I was sorting out thru stuff to take to LA.

I wrote it sometime at 14 (I think).

"No, you're wrong. I'm not a story.
I'm not a fantasy or a dream.
I wasn't given the perfect genes, or the perfect abilities. or the perfect environment.
All I ever had was the will to be better.
Better than me. Better than perfect.
So now you know.
And you could have done it too.
But now you've wasted your life and tried to kill mine."

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