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Tuesday, March 02, 2010

the convention of Fukitol!


there it is again, like a howling dog at my feet.

every time I think I escape it, it comes back to haunt me.

I thought I left it when I got the hell out of high school. there it was again in university, even worse.

I thought I'd left it when I left university, nope, there it is in the real world job market.

thought I left it when I went on the self employed/entrepreneur path. nope, it's there too.

it's there in Hollywood.

it's there in relationships. even in the most magical, undescribable, incredible relationship I ever experienced.

there is rigor and restriction and rigidity, Everywhere.

the contradiction of being a total slave to something, anything, whatever it is, in order to get one or two things that you want.

example: you want to be an artist.

so, in this fucked up world, either you sell out and be some damn graphic designer for $75 tshirts, or you whore yourself out to teachers telling you about concept theory in art and other such nonsense at a fancy art school that is basically a money mill, or you decide that you want to keep your art for yourself and get some other job in some other industry and do art only in your spare time.

there really is no other way. the da vinci/muralist/lassen old school artist is a fairy tale that happens to maybe 1 out of ten million artists.

or say, you want to be in love. you want to love. so you do. you fall, fully, deeply, irrevocably, undeniably. you give it everything you have to the one you love and all you can. then you discover after several years that regardless of all the magic you feel, money and natural human tendency get in the way. you either cheat and leave, or you get married and have babies. and add a mortgage and the suburbs to that.

what started out as something so pure and beautiful becomes crippling and a killer of the soul.

or say you just want to be a hermit.

well you're gonna need money to do that.
so, choose a way to whore yourself out to the system in order to get it, just so you can have a sane piece of mind.

it's inescapable.

like the skin on my body.

so what to do?

everything and everyone keeps trying to pigeonhole me into being something I'm not: a thing of the system, Any system.

the World, just seems intent upon raping me. no matter what choice I make or where I turn, all of it leads to something half-assed and imperfect. nothing is what I want it to be because there are no fucking sunflowers and green pastures. everything is an illusion upon an illusion, and every choice I make just leads to some backwards alley of practices I never signed up for.

and in order to survive, it seems like I need to, become a vessel of some sort of system.

it doesn't matter whether I'm the CEO of Goldman Sachs or a Buddhist monk. There is no true freedom, ANYWHERE. Every fucking thing, no matter how beautiful it appears, eventually turns out to be a total fraud.

when you're a kid you believe in magic.

you grow up. you learn. you gain knowledge.

you know better.


you can call that beautiful, or you can call it ugly.

pessimist, optimist, realist, it doesn't matter. that's just the truth.

The one thing that stood strong against my inbred cynicism is love. and I suppose in a very buried, very, very, very, very buried part of me that will remain.

but the reality stands that some things can be lost forever whether you want them to be or not. the person that put up with your bullshit will eventually figure out the piece of shit that you truly are, turn their back on you and finally give you that hearty Fuck You that you were secretly fearing. you will hurt the person you couldn't in your darkest nightmares imagine hurting, and you will feel their pain tenfold. the choices you make will have irreversible consequences. your bones will break. nothing is eternal. nothing is permanent. nothing is magical. nothing is perfectly pure.

people just eat the world and it's shit up and delude themselves with self-positive mantras about "positive thinking" and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" brainwash that they've been fed from the time they were born, by teachers who have been dead for centuries. people Accept that life IS , inherently, total shit, because they're too cowardly to tell whatever "god" invented this nuthole a.k.s "the universe" to SHOVE IT.

you know what Socrates really thinks dumbasses? He thinks You're all dumbasses, for believing any of the shit that he spewed.


what the fuck do I do now?

kill myself?

is that the ultimate answer?

even THAT is a trap.

for fuck's sake.

what. WHAT. am I to do?

keep on fighting another day I guess is all there is to be done.
keep on fighting a losing battle and be unafraid to be a fool.

is that where the magic is at? deluding yourself into thinking there is such thing as a happy ending?

the Hope of redemption? of a chance to make it all golden and sparkling? HaaaaaaHaaa!!!! say that to the one broken beyond repair. the one who's lost all reason and all purpose.

it's all on me, I'm the one who destroyed everything. can humpty dumpty ever be put back together again?

I don't know.

The only real truth about me is that I exist. Everything else about me contradicts itself at some point. Multiply that by infinity, take it to the depths of forever and you will still barely have a glimpse of what I'm talking about.