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Tuesday, May 23, 2006


why don't people ever take me seriously? is it because they think i speak from philosophy, imagination, and basically "bullshit", and not realistic implication and experience? i know why many hesitate to examine their lives as i do. i know why many fear examination of anything beyond its obvious explanation. the world is here, so why should we question it? they view those of us who do question as some sort of conspiracy cult. And yet, when I literally make people smile every day, this is not considered implication. When I have received emails from people around the world telling me how I have changed their lives and helped them, well thats not legitimate is it? its not the same as a paper saying i have a degree from harvard university. nope. what is legitimacy? quality? quality defined by being as successful as you possibly can? fulfilling in actuality your potential? or is it a proof of progress? how can i prove that what i feel isn't some ridiculous theory? how can i show people that when i say "mind over matter", "anything is possible", "love everybody as your family", how can i show that these are not wacky phrases which mean nothing, but actually do show their physical presence in this world? how can i prove that when i help someone, they feel it inside, and feel thankful for it, and feel loved? how can i prove that when i have turned total enemies of mine into friends that there is some "beef" as my father would say, to my "theories of water". many look at me and think i just talk a lot of shit and don't actually go through with anything or accomplish goals. everybody around me lives their lives, accomplishing things that are visible, certificates, promotions, raises, etc., and here i am completely out of the blue. i am classified as a philosophist, sometimes a fanatic. and yet, i do not preach my views to others. i simply have no fear to explain in depth many answers to their light questions such as "how was your day" or "hello, good to see you". by really getting down and dirty, as overused as the expression is, it seems to annoy people tremendously. but the main reason why they don't respect me or listen to me is that by any normal measurable standards, yes my "theories", remain "theories". i haven't won the nobel prize in chemistry (YET!!), nor have I published my novel through some reputable publisher. no, i just continue to work on a million different projects stemming from the theatre to the scientific pursuit. i'm a collage of ideas, and although i spend an equal amount of time on all areas of my life, and all aspects of my questions and "philosophies", still, people use that phrase "a wise man focuses on one thing whilst a fool pursues many". quotes , made by people, if compared and contrasted side by side all over the world, every single topic in nature and the manworld has contradictive arguements. so explain how is it that certain quotes are more valued than others? is it because they are "realistically" truer? a renaissance man like da vinci is respected. but i am not. is it because i haven't achieved as much as vinci the great? yes, in measurable standards perhaps. but please feel free to come over to my apartment and you will see for yourself hundreds of paintings, sketches, drawings, computer diagrams, sculptures, cooking recipies, science theories, blablabalba all over its area. and how do i prove that any of these works of mine are "valid"? i made them. what i am, is jsut a vessel. so whatever i produce, is coming externally from somewhere. my ideas are being made into solid action. this is defined as success by many dull quoatations books. BUT PEOPLE STILL THINK I'M FULL OF CRAP. WHY. tell me

i understand i may have to live a life of no gratitude, no respect, no fame, no fortune, and thats fine. i don't think i will ever be understood, except by my love, my blood, my lover, who i am so grateful and fortunate to have. but even he, i don't know if he realizes the genius i know is in me, and truly in us all. i don't want anything. i just want to be myself, do what i do, and hopefully make people around me happy. but this is a deep pain within me, that as hard as i try, nobody sees me. oh well.

have a beautiful day

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