so, what if i got famous, someday?

Controlling me in a way that I wish to be controlled. Not direct control, but subconscious, unconscious whatever that is. I want to feel skin, to be touched, to be dominated, to feel something, but I am most productive when I have no skin to touch, no soul to divulge myself into. I have these thoughts, these obsessions of mind within my head which damage me. I don’t know where they lead or where I have to go. I am trapped. Staring at a blank empty white wall, like a canvas and even though I have every color of every fucking rainbow on the earth, there is nothing to paint because one painting wants to merge into another painitings until there are no paintings left because everything is one. I want everything to be one. All of it, everything to just be one huge orgasm of simultaneously individual itches. He is gone and everything is gone, but I don’t miss anyone or anything because I am content with my head. I am going to do the same thing today as I did yesterday. I am dancing on a huge stage, they are all watching me and I am flying, I am speaking to the mass populace with my body and they all understand me. Maybe someday someone will understand what is in my head. Too many thoughts, too many visions, too much of so much and not enough to do anything in the supposed real world. Blasting in my head and there is absolutely nothing I can fucking do. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. Why smile why sad why rules of everything. Everything is a goddamn rule, a conduct, everything is the same shit. There is black on one wall and white on the other and in between a line. The line is neither black or white and as I am writing this I am knowing that someone out there is comparing my grabbled confusion to that of j.d salinger. Fuck everything. What the hell is original anyway. These thoughts coming from the dead, from the living, from places that the greatest scientists and most advanced mind readers don’t understand. And now I’m writing them and they’re gonna be judged. By people who have jobs. Jobs that make money so they can buy shit. And more shit. And then they can fly places and talk about the shit they have or the shit they want out of life which will in turn get them to know more people who are like them and then they’ll feel a connection and all of a sudden we all know each other and we’re all a big happy family. Life isn’t like a movie, white men can’t jump, this is the best of 1999, balbala, all of these stereotypes and titles, and that’s all that men and women can muster up after years of all this. All of this, how can they all just accept this?? That it’s a fact that I am writing right now and that they are reading and that we all are just living in this mass of people and stars and universe and everything. And that its all real. Everything is ridiculous to me. How can anybody or anything tell me what to do? I don’t believe any of it. Which is why I believe in anything. Yes I can fucking fly. Yes I can lift objects with my mind. Why? Because I don’t believe that I am writing on this laptop and that to my left is a water bottle and this is a house in a city in a country in the world. I don’t fucking believe any of it. It’s a joke, a lie, some wack delusion. Is this really it? And then if I get famous for ranting this supposed philosophy or what the dumbasses will categorize it as, then what? Then my face will be on the cover of every magazine and newsstand and they’ll all talk about me and try to figure me out and then what? Ok so I’ll have my big house and my happy life and I’m still gonna be one in a million of others who live in this what is this anyway? Stars? Planets? Yeah I know shit. I know everything. I’m in the intellectual circle and potheads like me too. But it doesn’t really matter does it?

why does the circle keep on being a circle, and not stop to become a square?

this life, all of it is a fucking headache. contradictions everywhere i turn. people are questioning nowadays. authors are writing. writers, poets, musicians they've been throughout history, the meaning of life has been pondered on by millions. but i don't understand. if we all have concluded that life is shit in the sense that we don't know why we're here and for what purpose, why do we continue to live it? even the professors shown in the recent movie "what the bleep do we know" have spent their entire lives in universities, studying, working, living the normality rules of society, in order to explore this supposed equation for the pattern of live. they're fucking professors. meaning that, they had to go through school, get good grades, have good jobs, kiss ass, do their homework, apply for scholarships, eat healthy (maybe), save money, and it makes no sense to me, so hypocritical. the ideal of knowledge, of self-discovery, of transcendance, is what founded university. and yet, by choosing to embrace this ideal, you are trapped in a system which is completely contrary to the very ideal it stands for. why? there is supposedly inner freedom, but its difficult to fully free when you're not in university, living life to the full, and someone part of the regular system, or even a free-thinker who is still a part of the system, asks you, "so ... what do you do?". the whole damn point, idiot, is that i don't have to "do" anything. that is true freedom. work, work, kinetic motion, all of this chaotic energy of life. everythign has this grand positive spin on it. "well we're here so we MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THE MOST OF IT". hmmm. thats interesting. why is it not "we're here, we don't know why, so let's kill ourselves, or just lay on the beaches all day and do whatever we want?" why is it that in the very motto of "making the most of it", why does that, to most people mean 1. lots of money 2. recognition/achievement in some field or way 3.familial security in terms of romance or family 4. experience/memory , blablabalba. Why is it that every single quote, has an anti-quote which implies the exact opposite of it? why is it that while preaching one thing , most people live by another way? why do we continue to do the same thing over and over again? take uni for example, its already set. its already not questionable. as is getting a job. getting a job, just to survive to eat your damn food, which you only eat because your biological machine tells you, "eat,you're hungry". so you eat. and you enjoy or don't, your life. and you continue every day, and convince yourself of purpose. WHY DO YOU DO THAT? and i'm ranting, in this blog, which i've created to release all this thought, and whilst, maybe hoping that it'll reach somebody out there in cyberspace. as i'm writing, these are all jsut stupid words that are formulated from thoughts, which i'm thinking because they float around for generations. none of this is me, or i, or anything. whatever i'm thinking, or you're thinking, i guaranteee that if you go to any library and search hard enough, you'll find a whole series of books on the exact topic of whatever it is that yiou're thinking. all this individual thought nonsense. its bullshit. there is no YOU!!! there is no society either. of course realistically, there is. and me philosophizing about it, doesn't change that right now i am typing, with real hands, on a real computer, and there is nothing buddha-like or transcendtal about this. imagination, can make it seem greater than the "truth". and by me questioning the truth, the truth becomes everything and nothing according to my own interpretation of it. but why why does everyone continue to live? or die even? isn't there some other type of reality completely altered, completely beyond our definition which we can achieve? beyond enlightenment, beyond "making your dreams come true", beyond any power that is portrayed in "the matrix". even when you reach the highest level, somehow it doesn't seem enough. today, was a "good" day. but its not enough. i'm starving, i'm so horribly famished for something which i can't even describe or explain. so basically i'm fucked. there's a grand conclusion. back to the mass of reality. and yet, ah, the relievement for even a nanosecond, to get this burden of question of my mind and into the void of the billions of other questions floating around the universe at this very moment.

about a circle. it is a square and a triangle, and all in between. here, i'll show you how a circle can become a square/ or rather IS a sqaure, and all else (just read it backwards):
/\ //// llll [ ] [] } { }{ . 0 (now applying this to reality aside from illustration is harder. i can't turn into an alligator right now even though i wish it. perhaps i don't believe it enough.)