The Disillusioned Ideal

There are so many charlatans, fakers, liars, assholes and sickos in this world.

It will make for fascinating literature when I write my great character novel.

And yes, all of you fucktards who fucked with me at one point or another will be in it.


What is evil? IF there was such a thing as pure good and pure evil, pure good would be honesty. Pure evil is ulterior motives, secrets, lies.

How often I have believed in humanity so deeply that I've given up all my suspicion to fight for an ideal. All the lovers I've been with, all the people I've known, all the connections and bonds, all the claims I believed. "Forever", and all that rubbish. Every "good" person that insists on their "goodness", every "master" who turns out to be just full of shit, every system that claims it's superiority.

This is not a cynical stance. I firmly believe true pure love exists, as well as true pure people, and a true pure free world. I just haven't found it anywhere. I look in the mirror and I definitely don't see it either.

I am so diseased. This world is so diseased.

It's so hard finding anything real anymore.


Lately though, especially in the past 2 years since the dessemination of one of the purest things I thought was real, (it wasn't) I've developed a real good radar for bullshit.


It should be a crime for people to say one thing and then go and do another.


I see all the hipocracies within myself and all the contradictions and I am sickened by how diseased I have become. The more I stay in this hellhole, the more I find myself hating the thing I have to be. In this diseased world, what truth is there really?

The Trees.

The Sun.

The Earth.

but even those are corrupted by man.


I'd like to meet One person in my life, just ONE at least, who is Absolutely 100% REAL.

Who says what they mean, means what they say, has zero personal interest or intent, and is just PURE.

I thought I met him, thought our union was a magical phenomenon of a miracle, thought he was the Purest spirit I'd ever known. But sadly time proved to show that it was all a lie, an illusion, and every word out of his mouth and every action was False. He turned out to be no being of truth, just another one of the masses, too weak to stand up for himself and sinking so easily into conformity. It broke my fucking heart. It's shattered and in fact it's just gone now. FUCK ALL THAT SHIT.

I believed a sheep was a warrior, and he was just a fucking sheep. WHERE DID THE UNICORN GO? WHERE IS THE PURE?!!!!


I want to believe, but there's shit all to believe in anymore. I'm DONE. I can only control the dirt within my own self, let the sheep ramble on their own, I'm thru with sheepherding. If only I could be that person, if only I could cleanse myself entirely into being a saint and wiping all of the ugliness out of my life.


This could be though along the same lines of hoping to bump into a unicorn in the forest, as I'm seeing more and more what my mother has said, "I've yet to meet a real altruist" is sadly the reality of this planet.


Right now I'm just feeling a massive FUCK YOU towards pretty much every person I've ever met and/or known in my entire life.


How long did you think I'd let you get away with the act? How many smiles does it take for people to admit the truth? WHY ME? EH? WHY DO ALL OF YOU EVERYWHERE WANT ME? Am I a fucking cookie? Chew me up, digest, swallow, spit and think that's it? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Why'd you fuck with me? Why'd you even enter my realm? What did you want? Did you get it? Energy VAMPIRES, all of you. It's not just too late to apologize, it's too late for anything. I want nothing to do with any human, anywhere, forever. Rivers, Animals, fucking Cactuses are more Humane than the "humans" that populate this earth.

Once upon a time I tried to save some of you. Once upon a time I tried to be with some of you. Once upon a time I loved some of you. Once upon a time I was a fool.

But everywhere I've looked, everyone I've known, everything I've tried, everywhere, has been a lie.

The only truth is the sun. the earth. the sky.

everything else is an illusion.

I can't name a single human on the planet that is free of personal motive, ego, selfish nature, or some type of narcissism. Myself included, because I've been a robot of that system. But even those people I've respected most, at one point or another, have shown that the essence of a human being is so twisted and wrong in so many ways, that it cannot be fixed by human beings themselves.


If there is a "god", it is desperately needed. I watch this planet dying every day. Not even Superman could fix this mess-and I've been down and up THAT pathway. I've been Clark Kent dammit and it still wasn't enough. and No-all you megalomaniacs-you're not fucking god nor are you a practitioner. you're false, all of you. Take those bibles, bhagavad gitas and torahs and cram them up your elitist hypocritical asses. Do I have the answer ? no. I thought I did at one point, but that is Ego talking. I don't. I admit it. And anyone who claims that they do, without actually proving it by SAVING this wretched planet, is ruled by EGO as well.


Fuck you all. I'll destroy every last one of you. I'll blow this whole zoo apart. I'll take a chainsaw and bleed you motherfuckers dry. If this world can't be saved, it must be destroyed. Rebirth is necessary, and the state of the people on this planet, from Timbuktu to Budapest to Brazil is begging for change. I sit and watch from the shadows, all of you, hoping that one day you will all take a stand, fight for truth and free yourselves. But I'm disgusted with you all. It's a pitiful mess that you've allowed yourselves to be in. The worst thing is you actually lie to yourselves and say THIS WORLD IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. IT IS NOT BEAUTIFUL. It COULD be beautiful, but the way it is right now-you're either extremely ignorant or extremely hopeful to think so.

As to LOVE being the solution to everything, the one thing worth living for, well HAAAAAAAH. Been there done that. The biggest mindfuck there is. Destruction of the spirit on so many levels that I don't even know if this lifetime, if all of eternity is enough to heal the damage. Goodbye heart-ta-ta, you are going to stay buried forever. I AM AN ICE BLOCK, in a fortress of lava, protected by a dragon with 8 razor tongues. And as to that horrible phrase "I Love You", a damn CONCEPT thrown around so often that it's lost all meaning. "I Love You" really means, "I'll use you 1000% and suck you dry for as long as you fulfill my purposes, I will make you believe that we're meant to be, but if things aint' workin' out for me or my comfort zone takes a shaking I'll toss you to the dust and go on my merry way. oh but p.s thanks for all the memories and take care."




FUCK. YOU.

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK YOUUUUUUU




I could jam a pillar thru the heart of the world right now, my ancestor must be Ivan the Impaler this rage bursting thru my blood.


And as to Friendship? Well that's a crock too. Aint' no real friendship anywhere, it's all just a huddle nest for people to bind together to distract themselves from the pain it is just to be Alive. One arguement and friendships of 50 years dissolve. Marriages that are "thru sickness and health, better or worse" only last thru the Better-where the fuck is the FIGHT to keep all those promises alive? Shut up with all of your I Love You's you dirty sick fucks. They mean absolutely nothing without the action to back them up. The next person who says I LOVE YOU to me I'll stick a fucking knife into. Why do people say shit that THEY DO NOT MEAN? THAT IS PURE EVIL. WHERE IS THE HONESTY??????


I'm DONE. I'm thru with believing in humanity. There isn't a single Human out there in the world that I can call Righteous and Real. EVERYONE is full of shit. Including me.
I denounce my "humanity".



I've broken the fear a long time ago and I have zero problems now with telling you all:

GO FUCK YOURSELVES.


I'm off to go hug a tree and walk on some more water.