escape

escape
beneath these waters
and am among the fishes
blue with sea
my solitude
every thought
reaches my mind
with speed of wave
swimming through bubbles
foaming, frosting
immaculate, white models
that i write from
home
among the coral
jabbing my feet
all is sane
and simple
in such an
underwater world


success
never brought as large an emotion to me
as the sound
of two beloved boys
playing guitars on a Sunday morning

in the scrambling
for free breakfast,
makeshift, unidentifiable concoctions of burgers emerged.
and when my friends gleamed
with radiance,
as if such a feast,
was a celebration of some victorious win over the Roman empire,
it was this which brought me happiness.

notorious for neglecting classes,
the adrenaline of rebellion
did not pump my heart,
but the nervous twitching lip
of my equally mischievous accomplice
made me grin.

although my thighs
strengthened in their musculature from long hours
of walking streets with no definite destinations,
when i held the hand
of a teenage male
and our sweat bled into cloth
as rain,
i would laugh out loud with euphoria.

it was ultimate
sadness,
to be confronted with reports of disobedience
and lectured in phone calls and letters
on my “irresponsibilities” from the people
that had known me since childhood.

it was maximal
grief,
when i ran away from a life of
nights that lasted days,
the acceptance of me
by nomads like me,
and kisses of warmth.

and it was also ultimate
relief
to know
that after it all
i could
“improve” myself
and gain respect

but i still miss the me of then.
and i still smile,
when i think of those days;
the happiest i had ever been.





how can i
explain
that although
you were love
and understanding
you were not
all love
and all understanding
that with it all
came the greatest hurt
the greatest pleasure
and your greatest betrayal
of me

unimaginable and i shake as if
addicted to the memorabilia
of purity.
i have seen
wedlock without a kiss
and have read of reality,
that you were not man enough to believe in.
and i kiss
and do much more
by my weakness
but you.
FUCK YOU!!
you were supposed to protect me
to shelter me from myself
but you let me fall
you let me become an idiot
a useless hip
a stupidly seductive eye
a temptation
i created
unable to resist
you being
a part of me
forever
why did you let me fall
and then say it was love
love is not an eternal fall
but a momentary sense of depth, and then
a rescue
from fall
when the person who is about to fall
does not know of a fall
or the one who falls
without knowing
out of blindness

i was without eyes
and you could see
and you pushed me
into a pit
i am bleeding
i am crying
every cell in my body duplicated
with sadness
that i have never felt before
i feel your pain
and shed your tears
even with your regret
i am the one naked.
i am this because of you
how could you??
how
love that rips me apart
to a mere woman
a woman that i have resisted to being
you let me
become a woman!!!
a WOMAN!!!
i who preached
to every
of waiting
i was a martyr of sanctity
i did die
in that hour
i am so ashamed
of how my body betrays
how you betrayed
i let you manipulate
i let you have your power
and you never once
let me have your crown


your tears
cannot undo this damage
i hate you
now you make me out to be the horrible one
a devil
and an angel
but you were the more powerful one
i made it so
you could control
for you knew
what would happen
you knew
because you have happened before
but i was new
and stupid
but i will not become old
because of regret
i will drink my blood
and smell my fear
but how
can i feel
so much life
in an emotion
that feels worse than death
knowing that i said love
and let
me betray you in thought.
but even in this betrayal
i hoped without knowing how.
thinking. remembering
that you said
LOVE.
love!!!! love!!

so i fell .

and you
who said
“love”

let me
fall



is a woman
not made of the same matter
a man is?
a woman may cry
but a woman can also burn tears into

a man

may come and go
as he pleases
choosing whatever
possession in his desire
when a woman
has an urge
a temptation
to be acted upon
should she
do on impulse
she is labeled
by the uppities of society
a whore
while a man
is still labeled
a man
for embracing
the extent of senses
one can find in touch
a woman
is persecuted
unless she also gives her heart
but how many a man
love at lust
a woman
has no sin
but animal blood
a man
may wake
under a different sheet
after any chosen night
and he may leave
never to be heard or seen again
while a woman
is left feeling
undone
yet should a woman
choose to do
the same
no great
cheer from her friends will come
but malicious whispers
why can a man
succumb to desire
and a woman
remain with common sense
when it is
a well known fact
that men are far more ample in commonality
why must a woman
be common
with all the correct
senses lacking
is a woman victim of lust
not the same as a man?



must i


condescend
to the beginning of heartaches I have OVERCOME
in order to be loved by you?
Although
the light shines in waves upon your greek figure
YOUR reflections are NOT ENOUGH
To collapse ME from the mirror




i am such
a hypocrite
lecturing everyone
on fairy tales
and dreams
in the books
i read as a child
which i still read now
oh joyful glorious saturday
wtih a crunchy Gala apple
and Hesse’s pages in my hands
give me sci-fi
or any such book
with imaginative
creative
nonsense
that i may choose to believe
and then
again
i am off on tangeant
yes.
i read before
i read now
and where has all
my scheming gotten me?
all my hopes
told to a drunk
about to kill himself
and i am just
another stupid
make-believe cinderella
still sitting in a modern chair in a rented apartment
staring at a
very realistic
very scary
bill




the change
in practice of sex
through the decades
is abruptness
and organization

in bedrooms before
it was left and undiscussed
whole without pieces
or divisions

now that virginity
can be defined through medicine
or morality
sex is pleasure

but split apart
who is a virgin
and who is a whore
can be broken
and theoritized
by classifications
of what qualifies as sex
physical actions
that have been examined

sex
then
was a change of mind
of feeling
it was the instant
a girl
wanted a boy
to kiss her

it was the way
a woman
looked at a man
in such eyes
that begged
and did not request politely
for touch

now
viewed upon
as not just one act
but divided
with the four bases
society has composed
sex is baseball
and one
who has
lost virginity
has swung to home

running
from the old days
of being
christened impure
at
first bat

elsa

i could have missed
the story
of a beautiful woman
if i had been blind.

i am moon.
she is sun.
i capture fierce wolves.
she melts sadness .

i could have lost
moments of absolute purity
if i had kept my silly assumptions.
she could be
another girl on the street
that i would purposely glare at
with disgust.

i opened myself
because of her.
in her sane handshake
i put in respect.

she is not free of troubles.
she has fallen into crevices.
and kept a smile.

she is my only wonder.
i can analyze the world,
but she is still a miracle.

it took many years
for our two hearts to mesh
into a solid force

at times i thought she was a perfect cheerleader.
and at times she thought i was mean.
eventually
we lost our superstitions
and gained ourselves.



through travels in change,
adolescence,
and distance,
we became letters,
and phone calls.

when they all told us
that nothing stays the same.
we changed.
together.

i don’t believe in angels.
but i can prove
best friends.

beware of who you put a moat in front of.
someday,
you might need
a dolphin.




i am a part of you
unseen but watching
as you walk under the fruit-bearing trees
splitter splat
shoes over red berries
looking down and up
sighing at this beauty
falling
one leaf
touching your skin
you brush it away
so i fall
to the earth
neglected even though i am green
still fresh
but in a month or two
i will fade
to a rich brown
and will never
be green again
but will always be
unseen
and watching you
from the ground
waiting for your
shoe
to crush
my dirty
brown
skin