My Half-Jamaican, Half-Chinese friend Kamal Moo, lawyer and manager/creator of his own music label (is also other ethnicities too), yes I know, I marvel that there is such a mix, whenever we hang people aren't quite sure how to respond. I love being a mutt. Oh how I cherish the mutted mixes of this world.
Kamal has come up with an elegant solution to those annoying spam messages you find in your inbox, with some sultan or business "guru" asking for money or your help in receiving a lump sum of a million dollars.
Below is such:
"This "executive" from Toyota emailed and said I won a bunch of money from the Toyota lottery. so, i responded with this...
Dear Mr. Brown,
Greetings and salutations to your royal majesty. I speak not from my heart, but from the pit of my sexual being when I say thank you for getting in touch with me. But, before we do business, I must insist that we get to know each other first. Let me tell you some things about myself...
1) As a child, my father would kick me down the stairs if I would urinate between the hours of 6 AM and 6 PM. This happened to me every day until I was 32 and then I was finally able to kick him down the stairs. It was funny to see him and his wheelchair tumbling down into the darkness. However, to this day, whenever I see a staircase, my testicles begin to ache and I vomit hysterically.
2) I am sexually attracted to dangerous animals. I cannot help this. I have tried to avoid alligators and wild dogs, but the seductive expressions in their beedy little eyes just drive me wild and I must have them at that instant Do not try to change this about me.
3) I masturbate while watching commercials for underarm deodorant. I often cry when I do this. Afterwards, I go and shower for several hours and scrub my shameful body with a Brillo pad. I then cry some more and eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. Some people call this bizarre, but I call it "Friday Night."
4) I love hookers....but I do not like to pay them. This has caused me much difficulty.
Anyway, tell me about yourself, Mr. Brown Toyota Japan Lottery. Tell me as much as you can. And, please, tell me your dirty fantasies. I will tell you mine later -- needless to say, they revolve exclusively around Dame Judi Dench, rawr!
Kevin "The Sweaty Masturbator" Mitchell "
-Kamal Moo, www.RockSteadyArtists.com (Manager, Owner/Creator, Lawyer)
LILIANA ALAM
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"LILIANA!!! Who and WHAT are you????!!!"
-uh...I don't know dude. You tell me.
THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU WHO KEEP ASKING ME THAT RETARDED QUESTION:
Hahahah. that's what Every quiz says. Cuz I'm a Leo too-fire sign. Well I'm with a Scorpio (the most fuckin' complicated and mysterious one there is!!!!! geezus)-and it works GREAT. But yea...I do like men who are challenges.
You Are Jack
And while the role of leader is not something you're totally comfortable with, you will fight hard to keep it.
You are obsessed with fixing things and people. You can't rest until everything is better.
You have complicated ethics. Doing the right thing is important to you, even though other people may not understand your motives.
You are concerned with maintaining your stoic image. It hurts when other people see you suffer.
Deep down you are very moody. You tend to be unhappy, and you have a depressed, self-destructive streak.
| You Are a Two Point Conversion |
 You do what others are scared to do, and it pays off! You have no fear, and because of this, you're able to look at the odds rationally. You've taken enough small risks to get ahead in life, even if every risk hasn't panned out. |
| You Are an Alpha Female |
 You control social and dating situations. It's clear that you're always in charge. |
| Your Soul is Searching |
 You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is likely to be filled with great successes and accomplishments. You just need to figure out how to get there. For you, falling in love is all about the adventure and uncertainty. You can only fall in love with someone who keeps you guessing. |
| Your Response is: Fight |
 You're aggressive and intense. It's best if people don't mess with you. No one is going to take advantage of you... or even get away with ticking you off. Just remember to keep your temper in check. You don't have to fight everyone! |
| Your Chances of Being a Multimillionaire: 100% |
 You are good with money, a creative thinker, and an ethical person. You might be the next Donald Trump! |
| You Are a Flawless Beauty! |
 You're the kind of woman a man would launch a thousand ships for It's hard for anyone to beat you in the beauty department But remember, it's okay to show a flaw or too - you've got plenty to spare |
| You Are Destined to Rule the World |
 Which is both kind of cool and kind of scary! Will you rule the world? Maybe. Maybe not. But at least you know that you could. |
| You Are a Good Friend Because You're Loyal |
 You believe in letting people figure out their own path in life. It's not your place to interfere. And part of your loyalty means that you'll do a lot for your friends. You definitely go the extra mile. You'll even do great things for friends without them asking. After all, that's what friendship is all about. You are truly a friend for life. And you have friends you've known since you were a kid. Your friends can count on you to do a favor, remember a birthday, or just be there to listen. Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else You really can't be friends with: Fickle people who change friends quickly Your friendship quote: "Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows." |
| You Are 100% Tortured Genius |
 Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island. |
| You Are 94% Evil |
 The devil is even a little scared of you! |
| You Can Make 100% of Your Crushes Fall in Love With You |
 You're a total heartbreaker that knows when to play it cool. You are the type of person people go completely lovesick over. Just use your powers for good, okay? |
| Your Superpower Should Be Manipulating Electricity |
 If the occasion calls for it, you can go from 0 to 60 in a split second. But you don't harness your energy unless you truly need to. And because of this, people are often surprised by what you are capable of. Why you would be a good superhero: You have the stamina to fight enemies for days Your biggest problem as a superhero: As with your normal life, people would continue to underestimate you |
| Your Sexuality is Brazilian |
 And the average number of partners is 15. Brazilians spend 20 minutes on foreplay on average. The typical Brazilian has sex two times a week. |
| You Are Extremely Sexually Powerful |
 In fact, if there's such a thing as a person with too much sexual power, it's you. Your life and thoughts are dominated by sex. And while it's good to be sexually liberated, you're starting to have a one track mind. You don't always have to use your sexual power. There's more to human interaction than getting naked! |
| You Are 100% Real |
 You have no problem showing people who you are, flaws and all. For you, there couldn't be any other way. Because it's way too stressful to live an inauthentic life. You're very comfortable with yourself. And because of this, you're able to live an exciting, interesting, and challenging life. |
| Your Vocabulary Score: A |
 You must be quite an erudite person. |
| You Crave an Important Life |
 You'd like to have a mission or journey to complete, even if it takes years. You want your life to be meaningful, and having a final goal brings you meaning. You'd like to accomplish something big, if only to inspire others to believe it can be done. |
| You Should Be With a Fire Sign! |
 Why? You like your guys manly - and in control Not to mean controlling, but you do like the guy to take the lead A Fire Sign man will take you by the hand and show you the world Just make sure you're bold too - because this guy likes a challenge! |
| You Are Most Like Samantha! |
 You're into guys with power, looks, or a lot of money. You rather have a great two weeks than a great forever. But even you fall victim to love from time to time. :-) Romantic prediction: You'll find love in the next few months... But you'll be the last one to realize it. |
| You Would Win Best Actor / Actress |
 You have a strong personality. You love attention, and you can command an audience of any size. You tend to be a bit obsessive. You're the perfect person to immerse yourself in a big role. You're both empathetic and expressive. You understand and communicate well. |
| You Date Like a Man |
 You date casually and frequently, getting serious with select people over time. Physical attraction and chemistry is very important to you. And if there's nothing more than a physical connection, that's okay with you (at least for a while). You are definitely looking for love, but you are in no rush to find it. You figure love will eventually come your way, and you're not going to live like a monk while you're waiting! |
| You Have Willpower of Steel |
 If you will something, you make it happen - no matter how difficult it is. You don't back down from commitments, even when you regret making them. That being said, you are pretty careful about what you commit to! |
| You're a Total Maneater |
 You see men as your playthings - and your motto is "So many men, so little time." And while you're having fun, everyone is a little scared of you. Your girlfriends are leery of your man-eating ways. And most men find you downright freaky. |
| You Go For Brains and Body! |
 But he's got to have something in his head to really draw you in. You're not superficial - just honest! |
| You Were an Achieving Kid |
 You excelled at school, and you actually enjoyed it to a large extent. No one had to ask you to do your homework. As a kid, you were probably a bit picky. You liked structure, schedules, and organization. You had trouble being friends with regular kids. You probably were only friends with other serious children. |
| Your Dreams Are Important |
 You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep. Overall, you are very content in your life. You tend to be a very productive thinker. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind. |
| Your Life is 100% Perfect |
 You have a great career, family, and personal life. You have it going on! |
| You Are 100% Thankful |
 You inspire people to be more optimistic, forgiving, and grateful. |
| Your Dominant Thinking Style: Exploring |
 You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world. |
| Your Heart Craves Love |
 In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
| Your Pizza Says You Like Quality Food |
 You don't like fancy restaurant food. You prefer your own cooking. Pizza Topping You Should Try: Basil Stay away from: Any pizza overloaded with a mess of toppings |
| You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained |
 Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
| You Have Good Manners 90% of the Time |
 You know how to be considerate toward everyone - even if they aren't considerate to you. |
And while the role of leader is not something you're totally comfortable with, you will fight hard to keep it.
You are obsessed with fixing things and people. You can't rest until everything is better.
You have complicated ethics. Doing the right thing is important to you, even though other people may not understand your motives.
You are concerned with maintaining your stoic image. It hurts when other people see you suffer.
Deep down you are very moody. You tend to be unhappy, and you have a depressed, self-destructive streak.
| You Are An Invisible Ex |
 You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind. As they say, indifference is the opposite of love! |
| The True You Values Harmony |
 With respect to money, you spend as little as possible. You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing. The hidden side of your personality tends to be a little selfish. You only do what interests you. You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match. |
| You Are a Cartographer |
 You have a photographic memory, and you remember places very well. Like a middle ages cartographer, you're also very adventurous and curious about the world. In modern times, you would make a good non-fiction writer or scientist. |
| You Don't Need a Man ... or Want One! |
 And anyone who has a problem with that... well, that's there problem. Not that you wouldn't share your life with the almost perfect guy. You simply won't settle though. Your life is too good to share with some substandard man! |
| You Live Your Life Silently |
 You say whatever is on your mind. Other people's reactions don't phase you. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it. |
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